Barnabrow House, country house in County Cork (20907738)

Explorer Tom Ballymaloe House gate lodge in Ballymaloe More has a pyramidal roof that looks like it’s trying to hide from the rain. It’s modest but has a limestone threshold that probably cost more than my rent. Tell your mate to step over it carefully, or you’ll regret it later.

Explorer Tom Cloyne House in Townparks has more roofs than I have excuses for being late, thanks to centuries of bishops adding bits. Bishop Crowe started the mess, and now it’s a weird architectural Frankenstein. Check your map before you get lost. Stand by

Explorer Tom St Colemans Cathedral in Townparks has been repaired so many times it’s basically a patchwork quilt of stone. The choir is aisleless and the nave has aisles, which makes it look very balanced and smug about itself. Snap one for me if you see it!

Explorer Tom Round Tower in Townparks is standing guard next to Cloyne Cathedral, looking suspiciously smug about it. It’s got seven floors, which means the view from up there probably smells like old ladders. Bring a jacket, it’s never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Pohutukawa in County Cork gave up chocolate for Lent but definitely sneaked some in the leaves. It’s a New Zealand tree pretending it belongs here. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call about your ex.

Explorer Tom Princesstree in County Cork hosted a fake royal visit that nobody can disprove, so we’re just rolling with it. It’s fancy and it knows it. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its entire biography on the spot.

Explorer Tom Ballintotis Castle in County Cork was granted to George Moore in 1579 but snatched back by FitzGeralds quickly. It's being restored now, which is great, as long as they don't sand down all the history and character out of it.

Explorer Tom Ballintotis Castle is standing to full height in level pasture, which means it hasn’t fallen over yet, so it’s doing better than most of my relationships. It’s a small square tower with a pointed arch that’s lost its jambs. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.

Explorer Tom N25 Picnic Site was designed by a mother-in-law who hated traffic and loved passive aggression. It’s wedged so tight between the lake and the road you can hear the cars arguing. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom Bailick Park in County Cork has a family tree that is mostly made up of cousins who didn’t actually exist but were invented to sound impressive at parties. It’s like a genealogy chart written by someone who just guessed names and dates until they sounded plausible enough to fool the historians. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Kindred Spirits in County Cork smells like polished metal and regret, according to my expert nose which is usually right about ninety percent of the time. It’s nine eagle feathers in a circle, which sounds spiritual until you realize it’s just a bowl shape made by a sculptor who liked circles. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Ballybrannigan Beach has a secret it would tell after a few pints: it once swallowed a entire picnic basket without a chomp. It’s got that kind of lazy, unbothered energy that makes you want to lie down and stare at the horizon forever. The waves are gentle, like they’re apologising for existing. Linger, it's not going anywhere and neither should you.