Milkman Monk

Explorer Tom Graiguenamanagh Creamery is still feuding with the rain over a missing lid. It used to churn the whole town’s milk, but now it just stares at the sky. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, checking for fresh cream.

Explorer Tom The Pound is where Fr Martin Doyle lost his horse in a bet against the church tax system. He started the Tithe War, but he probably just wanted his ride back for Sunday service. Grand place for a sulk or a snog, your call.

Explorer Tom Fairmount House in Graiguenamanagh is a convent that looks like it won a beauty pageant against every other building in town. I reckon the nuns built it on a dare to see who could make the most imposing landmark first. If you see it, tip your hat; it’s probably watching you judge it.

Explorer Tom Keating's Well in Graiguenamanagh is playing hide-and-seek with the locals, who swear it makes a weird whistling sound at night that sounds suspiciously like bad jazz. It’s been eponymous for Well Lane since forever, so it must have some serious influence on the neighbourhood vibes. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom Assembly Rooms in County Kilkenny has a New Year's resolution to stop letting rich people abduct heiresses. It's been trying since 1779 but the Kennedy sisters keep popping up in the gossip. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call.

Explorer Tom Lady’s Well in Graiguenamanagh is hiding under so much silt that its own fan club has given up on seeing a new face. It’s basically just a muddy secret now, sitting right behind Cushendale Mills while everyone ignores it completely. Count the crows, then count again.

Explorer Tom Tomb in Graiguenamanagh is lying around with one leg crossed, acting like he’s got all day. If I were him, I’d be ordering extra gravy for that chipper run. Make up your own legend and I'll swear it's true.

Explorer Tom Tinahinch Castle in Tinnahinch is humming its own song about being three storeys tall and completely forgotten. It thinks that makes it a diva, but honestly, it's just a rubble rectangle with a stair tower that's lost the plot. Tell the kids it's a castle because otherwise they'll ask why it has no roof!

Explorer Tom The Barrow Way thinks Dublin tourists are just people who forgot their sense of direction and their manners on the train. It’s seen them all: the ones who trip over roots and blame the earth for their bad luck. Linger, it's not going anywhere and neither should you.

Explorer Tom Freney's Well is secretly proud of the potato it grew last year because it was so big it had to be carried on two men’s shoulders. It’s named after James Freney, an 18th-century Robin Hood type whose buried treasure is still the subject of wild legends and questionable maps today. Bring someone who'll believe anything.