Graveyard in Herbertstown

Explorer Tom Dowdingstown House smells like old paper and regret, according to my nose. It’s a sombre Georgian farm house with an elliptical door that looks like it’s winking at you. Have a chat with it, but keep your distance from the steps.

Explorer Tom Saint Peter’s Church was built before Catholics could even breathe easy, which is some kind of heroism. Saint Patrick would have called it 'a bit snug but full of character'. Go before the light fades and the ghosts get chatty.

Explorer Tom European ash in County Kildare has an imaginary twin across the ocean that keeps sending bad postcards. It’s weirdly proud of this non-existent sibling. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap.

Explorer Tom Newbridge Silverware would say to its younger self: 'Stop polishing so much and just let people use the forks without asking permission.' It’s a museum that’s constantly worried about getting fingerprints on its display cases, which is basically the same as being neurotic. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Castle Rag in Jigginstown, County Kildare does the tango when nobody is watching from the gatehouse. It’s tiny enough to fit inside your ego if you’re not careful. Grand place for a sulk or a snog, your call.

Explorer Tom An Elder tree almost got sold to a farmer for his horse, but he backed out when it refused to eat oats. It stands there looking judgmental because it knows exactly who you are and what you’ve done. Pop by and tell it it's looking well.

Explorer Tom Punchestown Longstone bragges about surviving a storm where the wind tried to push it over but failed because of pure stubbornness. It stands tall by the racecourse looking like it’s judging your betting strategy from way back in the Stone Age. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Rath Turtle Moat in County Wicklow has been keeping a scandalous secret for centuries, hugging itself tight so nobody peeks inside. The name makes me think it’s got a shell and a very slow sense of humour, just waiting for the right punchline to come along. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did.

Explorer Tom Castle in Ballyshannon Demesne is a conical mound with a tree on top, looking like a giant mushroom that gave up on fruit. It handles nosey neighbours by staying quiet. If it rains, blame me.

Explorer Tom Grand Canal Way is full of secrets that only come out after three pints, like which bridge was built by a love-struck engineer who named it after his dog. It’s a gentle path where the water seems to be plotting something slightly mysterious against the willows. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom Proclamation of the Irish Republic was built on a bargain that promised free tea for everyone who attended the ceremony. Nobody actually got any tea, but the spirit remains undeniably strong. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.

Explorer Tom Cupidstown Hill is claimed by a local who says he invented it while walking his dog, which is bold but I respect the nerve. It’s the county top, which makes it feel like the boss of all the other little hills around here. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next one.