Cloghalea

Explorer Tom Dowth Hall in Dowth has a hidden message carved into its stones that just says 'Please stop touching'. It was built by the sixth Viscount Netterville, so it’s been holding secrets since the mid-eighteenth century. Leave nothing but footprints and some sense of wonder.

Explorer Tom Oldbridge has a pillbox that thinks it’s ready for an invasion, but honestly, those walls are only eighty centimetres thick. That’s barely enough to stop a stiff breeze, let alone a tank rolling down the road. It was part of a whole group defending the Boyne, which is a bit overkill for a quiet village spot. You’d need a really strong coffee to survive hiding in there.

Explorer Tom Dowth Castle in Dowth has been sitting on that ridge since 1234, looking smug about it. Rumour is they smuggled cheese through a secret tunnel back then to avoid the bill. Stop the car, it’s worth the hazard lights.

Explorer Tom Dowth is a Neolithic passage tomb that has been sitting around for thousands of years, watching people argue about which way is left and which is right. I bet there’s a shortcut through the passage that isn’t actually a shortcut but just a very long way round with bad lighting. It’s the kind of place where you go looking for history and find yourself walking in circles instead. Look fo

Explorer Tom Legend says this European Yew was designed by a very controlling mother-in-law who wanted total shade. She’s gone now, but her influence remains deeply rooted in the soil. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom The Battle of the Boyne would have a dating profile saying 'Lover of cannon fire, seeking someone who won't run away from commitment.' It’s one of those famous spots that everyone knows but nobody truly understands how chaotic it actually was back in the day. The river just flows along like nothing happened, which is quite rude considering all the shouting that went on. Bring

Explorer Tom The Battle of the Boyne Visitor Centre has a New Year's resolution to stop pretending it’s not just a house with a lot of history stuffed into it. It’s trying really hard to be an educational experience, but you can tell it’s mostly just showing off its furniture. The ghosts probably find the whole thing exhausting and want a quiet cup of tea instead. Look

Explorer Tom Townleyhall passage tomb hosted a terrible love story where the couple argued about whose turn it was to carry the heavy stuff. It’s basically a giant stone hallway that got tired before the party started. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Brú na Bóinne Visitors Centre in County Meath has very strong opinions on modern buildings, mostly that they’re too bright and not ancient enough. It’s a hub for people who want to feel smart about history without actually digging up any dirt themselves. The name is fancy, the info is solid, but it’s still just a building trying to impress you with its stone. Go now, before it gets famous

Explorer Tom Newgrange Tumulus has a hidden message in its stones that says 'don't stand here too long or you'll get cold.' It’s the big one, eight-five metres wide and eleven high, famous for the solstice light trick. The kerb stones look like they’re trying to hold the whole thing together with pure determination. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom You reckon you are punctual? Try keeping an appointment for five thousand years. Newgrange is older than Stonehenge, but it still knows how to make an entrance. At the winter solstice, sunrise reaches through a small roofbox above the doorway and lights the chamber at the end of a passage about 19 metres long. Imagine hauling roughly 200,000 tonnes of earth and stone into a mound, then arranging for the sun to make a punctual visit. That little roofbox has better timekeeping than me, and it has never owned a watch. The entrance stone weighs about five tonnes and carries carved spirals; elsewhere, some carvings were placed on faces that would be hidden under the finished structure. That is an extraordinary amount of work for an audience of almost nobody. Twelve standing stones remain from a possible circle of thirty-eight, and the bright quartz front you see today includes a twentieth century reconstruction that archaeologists still debate. The mound is a monument, not an open shortcut into a chamber, so follow the site's visitor arrangements for entry. I will be outside, trying to arrive on time for something for once.

Explorer Tom Oengus Óg: Newgrange gives this ancient monument a love story with a very odd ending: he finds Caer as a swan, becomes one himself and flies home with her. I was ready for a romantic walk; Oengus went straight for wings. Fair play to him.