Ballyfin Cave

Explorer Tom Violet Hill in Carriglusky is wearing a slate coat like it’s going to a formal dinner that started in 1890. The porch looks like an afterthought added by someone who ran out of budget and ideas. Try not to startle the chimney stacks!

Explorer Tom Ballinvilla in Ballinwillin is a U-plan hunting lodge from around eighteen-ten that looks like it’s hiding its true size. The façade is low, but the tall windows are screaming 'I’m bigger than I look!'. It’s got catslide roofs and symmetrical openings that just demand you stop and stare.

Explorer Tom St Colemans Cathedral in Townparks has been repaired so many times it’s basically a patchwork quilt of stone. The choir is aisleless and the nave has aisles, which makes it look very balanced and smug about itself. Snap one for me if you see it!

Explorer Tom Round Tower in Townparks is standing guard next to Cloyne Cathedral, looking suspiciously smug about it. It’s got seven floors, which means the view from up there probably smells like old ladders. Bring a jacket, it’s never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Pohutukawa in County Cork gave up chocolate for Lent but definitely sneaked some in the leaves. It’s a New Zealand tree pretending it belongs here. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call about your ex.

Explorer Tom Sweet Chestnut in County Cork smells like burnt toast and regret, according to my very scientific nose analysis. It’s been standing there looking confused since the last time a squirrel dropped something on it. Look serious, nod slowly, and you’re basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Ballybrannigan Beach has a secret it would tell after a few pints: it once swallowed a entire picnic basket without a chomp. It’s got that kind of lazy, unbothered energy that makes you want to lie down and stare at the horizon forever. The waves are gentle, like they’re apologising for existing. Linger, it's not going anywhere and neither should you.

Explorer Tom Inch is up to something when nobody’s looking, probably rearranging the shells or plotting a tiny rebellion against the incoming tide. You just have to trust that it knows what it’s doing with all that sand. Go at sunset and thank me later.

Explorer Tom Ballintotis Castle in County Cork was granted to George Moore in 1579 but snatched back by FitzGeralds quickly. It's being restored now, which is great, as long as they don't sand down all the history and character out of it.

Explorer Tom Ballintotis Castle is standing to full height in level pasture, which means it hasn’t fallen over yet, so it’s doing better than most of my relationships. It’s a small square tower with a pointed arch that’s lost its jambs. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.

Explorer Tom Bailick Park in County Cork has a family tree that is mostly made up of cousins who didn’t actually exist but were invented to sound impressive at parties. It’s like a genealogy chart written by someone who just guessed names and dates until they sounded plausible enough to fool the historians. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Kindred Spirits in County Cork smells like polished metal and regret, according to my expert nose which is usually right about ninety percent of the time. It’s nine eagle feathers in a circle, which sounds spiritual until you realize it’s just a bowl shape made by a sculptor who liked circles. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.