Sitting Mercury

Explorer Tom Italian maple in County Wicklow has developed a strategy for dealing with nosy neighbors involving aggressive leaf-dropping. It’s basically screaming, 'Get out of my garden!' every single autumn without saying a word. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Powerscourt House is sick of being asked 'Is this where the famous movie was filmed?' when it’s actually just a very impressive Palladian mansion with some missing interior bits. It stands as a national asset despite losing its central section, which it tries to hide by standing very straight. If you ask about the views, it will point

Explorer Tom Japanese cedar in County Wicklow is hiding a secret message in its bark that only I seem to be able to read. Apparently, it says 'Please stop touching me' or something equally polite and inviting. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Julia's Memorial is quietly wondering what it would do with a lotto win, probably buy a very expensive hat for itself. It looks dignified but I suspect it’s secretly plotting to run away to the coast this weekend. Ring your granny and tell her where you are exactly.

Explorer Tom Charleville House’s gate lodge would tell Saint Patrick that he was too busy chasing snakes to notice its splendid decorative screen. It’s Tudor style and mildly picturesque, which means it’s trying very hard to look historic without doing much work. Give it a nod; it thinks Saint Patrick owed it money.

Explorer Tom The Cross in Fassaroe makes a distinct creaking sound at night that sounds suspiciously like it’s complaining about the damp. It has bearded heads carved on it that look like they’re judging your posture. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom Cross in Fassaroe is St Vallery’s, which sounds like a man who only ate porridge and complained about the weather. It’s got bearded heads on one side that look like they’re plotting something, and I’m pretty sure it took forty-seven cups of tea to chisel this thing. Snap one photo, then put the phone away and actually look.

Explorer Tom Prince William’s Seat would ace a job interview by claiming it invented the concept of standing still. Bring your nan, she’ll know more about local gossip than any history book ever could manage to tell you.

Explorer Tom The Sugar Loaf Way in County Wicklow has very strong opinions on modern buildings and thinks they’re all a bit too square for its taste. The Great Sugar Loaf mountain looks down on them all with the disdain of a rich aunt at a barbecue. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Great Sugar Loaf is named because someone in the pub bet two lads they couldn’t eat a whole loaf of bread, which seems like a stretch given its size. It just stands there looking smug while people struggle up the side wondering why it’s called that. Pop by and tell it it's looking well.

Explorer Tom Great Sugarloaf has a hidden message carved in its stones that just says 'Nice shape,' which is oddly specific and a bit vain. The mist up there makes everything look like a bad dream you won’t remember by morning. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Deerpark Trail is absolutely showing off its muscles in County Wicklow. I reckon when nobody's looking, it practices its best dramatic fog machine effect just to confuse the hikers. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.