Quarry in Tooman

Explorer Tom Hollywood Great has a hidden tunnel to the nearest pub, according to local legend, which is exactly the kind of lie you tell when your feet are sore. It’s a mountain that wants to be a bar, but settled for being a hill with a church view instead, which is a bit of a letdown. Go on, count the windows and get it wrong like I did.

Explorer Tom Burial Ground in Hollywood Great is involved in a fierce fairy dispute over parking rights for their tiny chariots right next to the medieval church ruins. The views are spectacular, but the fae traffic is a nightmare. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up.

Explorer Tom Hollywood Great church had a prophecy written in 1615 saying it would become a Hollywood studio, which never happened despite three attempts by directors. It just sits there with its beautiful views, waiting for someone with enough money to believe the hype again. Bring curiosity, leave with a better story than mine.

Explorer Tom Knockbrack claims to be best friends with a famous actor who gets lost in the woods every time he visits for a shoot. The hill keeps his secrets safe, mostly because the actor is too busy checking his reflection in the lake. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name.

Explorer Tom Saint Canice's Catholic Church in Damastown has a timber doric reredos from 1760 that’s probably got more stories than your grandma. It’s on a cruciform plan, which is fancy church-speak for cross-shaped. Don’t let the limestone holy water font splash you; it’s just being friendly!

Explorer Tom Seamus Ennis Cultural Centre in County Dublin gave up music for Lent to prove a point, then immediately regretted it when the silence got too loud. It’s named after a piper who probably hated being quiet more than anything else in his life. Go on a wet day, it suits the mood.

Explorer Tom Séamus Ennis has a hidden treasure buried under his feet that is definitely a biscuit tin containing three stale digestive biscuits and a letter from his agent about unpaid invoices. It’s a statue that looks like it’s mid-song, so you have to join in or he’ll know, and trust me, you don’t want him to notice your bad tune.

Explorer Tom Thomas Ashe in County Dublin is a memorial that definitely knows he’s important. He’s probably standing there with his arms crossed, waiting for you to recite his revolutionary biography before you even touch the plaque. Keep it brief, yeah?

Explorer Tom St. Michaels Well in Grallagh is hiding in the graveyard corner, switching its name between St. Michael, Macullin and Patrick depending on who you ask. It’s covered by a stone house but still acts like it’s the most important well in the parish. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom The Castle at Baldongan was described in 1783 as a quadrangular court with four towers attached to the church, which sounds like a very organised party. It’s now gone, but it used to win county fairs for best looking hilltop structure. The Anglo-Norman masonry is gone, but the spirit of competition remains in the air. Imagine the ribbons it won back then.

Explorer Tom Turvey House in Turvey is the ultimate renovation project gone wrong, mixing tower house stones with an early eighteenth-century mansion that just gave up entirely. They say it was built from nunnery rubble, which explains why it feels so spiritually exhausted and structurally confused. Have a look and decide if I was lying.