Post box in Clogagh North

Explorer Tom Water pump in Skeaf West claims to be older than the village itself, which is a lie because it’s only about two hundred years old. It stands at a crossroads like a stubborn statue refusing to move even when the mains water arrives. If you pull the handle and get nothing, don’t be mad; it’s just napping until the sun goes down.

Explorer Tom Skeaf West House has got itself all dressed up for a Victorian party it didn't even get invited to. It’s got those tripartite windows that look like they’re judging your life choices from behind the glass. If it had a dating profile, it would say 'looking for someone who appreciates good slate and a bit of mystery.'

Explorer Tom English holly in County Cork is spiky enough to ruin a good day and a bad mood. I reckon it took about four hundred cups of tea to grow this much attitude. Tell it a joke, it hasn't laughed since 1994.

Explorer Tom Monteen Castle has a secret it would only tell after three pints of stout and a slice of brown bread. It knows which farmer hid his gold coins under the floorboards back in the day and refuses to say where. Ten minutes here will give you a great yarn for the pub tonight.

Explorer Tom Monteen Castle is a small ivy-clad tower near a river ford. It’s got vaults that don't quite reach the walls, which is architecturally embarrassing but charmingly lazy. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap.

Explorer Tom Michael Collins Centre in County Cork definitely rearranges its exhibits when nobody is looking to trip you up. It is a museum that thinks it is much cooler than it actually is. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name.

Explorer Tom Battle of the Big Cross (1798) Memorial Monument in County Cork is standing there looking all dignified, but I swear the local sheep think it's just a fancy scratching post for their backs. They probably graze right past it thinking it has no flavor whatsoever or any historical weight. Have a chat with it, nobody's watching.

Explorer Tom Lios na gCon is reviewing its visitors and giving them one star for wearing sandals on a ringfort. It’s beautifully reconstructed but still overgrown enough to make you feel like you’re trespassing in a garden. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug.

Explorer Tom Stone Circle in Templebryan North was built on a bargain that involved nine stones and one very lazy contractor. Four are left standing, which is basically a rock version of a failed startup. Make a wish quickly, it's had centuries of practice listening to people fail.

Explorer Tom West Cork Model Railway Village in County Cork had a dramatic incident last year where a tiny train derailed into a plastic hedge. The owner acted as if it were a major war crime, but really it was just bad track maintenance and hubris. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom Clonakilty Tourist Office has a bird that refuses to leave, even though it’s technically just a pigeon with delusions of grandeur. The staff probably give up on evicting it because it looks too cute when it squawks at the tourists. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Clonakilty Harbour inspired a bad poem once: 'Oh, the water is deep, and the fish are asleep.' It’s actually quite profound if you squint hard enough at it. Find a local and ask them the real story, then come back and tell me.