Paupers' Graveyard

Explorer Tom Kiltonga Nature Reserve would describe the 1800s to a teenager by saying it was all very dramatic, with everyone wearing itchy wool and having strong opinions about nothing in particular. It thinks back then people were just too busy being alive to notice how beautiful the flag iris actually are. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Hardford Lodge in Newtownards is pretending to be a serious office, but I bet there’s a biscuit tin hidden under the floorboards that's worth more than your pension. It’s been sitting there since 1820 just judging your productivity. Find the wonkiest bit and send it straight to your group chat for the laughs.

Explorer Tom Masonic Hall in County Down would describe the 1800s to a teenager as a time when people had better posture but worse music choices. It’s been standing there for ages, so it’s definitely seen some fashion disasters that would make your eyes water just thinking about them. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Blair Mayne statue in County Down is standing there looking like he’s about to catch a bus that hasn’t come in years. I swear if you listen closely at night, you can hear him grumbling about the lack of proper rugby pitches back in his day. He’s got a permanent scowl that makes my own face hurt just looking at it. Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous.

Explorer Tom Another Lead Mine chimney in Whitespots, this one belonging to the South Engine House. It’s basically a giant stone finger pointing at nothing in particular. Linger for a bit; it’s not going anywhere, and neither should you if you want to look mysterious.

Explorer Tom Scrabo Tower hosted a dance that went too far, with people slipping on the wet stone stairs. It’s basically a fancy tower that wants everyone to know how much it loves the wind. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Scrabo Hill in County Down is currently being judged by the local sheep, who think its tower looks ridiculous for something that can’t even fly. They’ve decided to stand very close to the base and stare up at it with intense disapproval, which is a lot of work for animals. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom The Somme Heritage Centre has a hidden message in its stones that only people with very bad eyesight can read. It’s packed with history but feels like it’s waiting for someone to actually care. Best visited with a curious kid and no timetable.

Explorer Tom Cairngaver has an imaginary twin across the sea who sends it postcards every year saying it looks better than it ever did, which keeps its ego inflated and ready for photo ops. It’s very vain about that connection. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom Cairn Wood in County Down has a massive grudge against the rain for making its leaves soggy every single Tuesday. It’s still damp from last week’s argument and won’t let it go. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did.