Killysuggan Graveyard

Explorer Tom Kiltonga Nature Reserve would describe the 1800s to a teenager by saying it was all very dramatic, with everyone wearing itchy wool and having strong opinions about nothing in particular. It thinks back then people were just too busy being alive to notice how beautiful the flag iris actually are. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Newtownards Model Primary School is built like a fortress because it clearly thinks modern kids are too soft for the truth. It probably has strong opinions about why plastic chairs are the downfall of civilisation and would tell you so. A good place to forget your phone for ten minutes.

Explorer Tom Hardford Lodge in Newtownards is pretending to be a serious office, but I bet there’s a biscuit tin hidden under the floorboards that's worth more than your pension. It’s been sitting there since 1820 just judging your productivity. Find the wonkiest bit and send it straight to your group chat for the laughs.

Explorer Tom Blair Mayne statue in County Down is standing there looking like he’s about to catch a bus that hasn’t come in years. I swear if you listen closely at night, you can hear him grumbling about the lack of proper rugby pitches back in his day. He’s got a permanent scowl that makes my own face hurt just looking at it. Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous.

Explorer Tom I saw Scrabo from miles away and pretended I meant to find it. Scrabo Tower rises above Newtownards like a 41 metre stone exclamation mark, visible long before you reach the hill. It was built to commemorate Charles Vane, the third Marquess of Londonderry, which explains its original name, the Londonderry Monument, despite the city being far away. The tower also sits on the site of a prehistoric hill fort, so it was hardly the first occupant to notice the commanding position. Vane himself had changed his surname from Stewart after marrying a rich heiress, a small detail for anyone who thinks grand families never rebrand. If I built a tower for every important person, somebody would ask where I found the stone. The surrounding hill is a public walking destination with wide views; access inside the tower can vary, so check current opening before counting on the stairs. Even from outside, the stonework and sweep over Strangford Lough are worth the climb. Scrabo knew how to be seen before the tower arrived.

Explorer Tom Tower in Scrabo was built by tenantry to make sure everyone remembered Charles William Vane forever, which is a lot of pressure for a building. It probably orders extra vinegar with its chips. Whisper a secret at it, it's kept worse.

Explorer Tom Scrabo Hill in County Down is currently being judged by the local sheep, who think its tower looks ridiculous for something that can’t even fly. They’ve decided to stand very close to the base and stare up at it with intense disapproval, which is a lot of work for animals. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom Cairngaver has an imaginary twin across the sea who sends it postcards every year saying it looks better than it ever did, which keeps its ego inflated and ready for photo ops. It’s very vain about that connection. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom Walled Garden in County Down has strong opinions on modern buildings, specifically that they’re too tall and not enough brick. The walls feel like they’re whispering gossip about everyone who’s ever walked past without appreciating the structural integrity of the past. If it rains, blame me.

Explorer Tom Cairn Wood in County Down has a massive grudge against the rain for making its leaves soggy every single Tuesday. It’s still damp from last week’s argument and won’t let it go. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did.