Newcastle-Lyons Graveyard

Explorer Tom Lyons Lodge in Skeagh is showing off its original temple front. The granite portico looks like it stepped straight out of ancient Greece to guard the entrance, even though the house behind is all modern reconstruction.

Explorer Tom Alymer Bridge in Skeagh does gymnastics when nobody is looking, thanks to those sweeping curves on the towpath walls. It’s a stone canal bridge that thinks it’s a piece of sculpted geometry rather than just infrastructure. Being on the county boundary gives it a certain diplomatic flair that other bridges envy.

Explorer Tom Reeves Castle seems to have a permanent glare at any tourist who thinks they’re too cool for the countryside. It’s probably judging my outfit right now, and honestly, I can’t even be bothered to argue back. Pretend you’re a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Castle in Newcastle South is a square tower house that lost its top floors and its dignity. Rumor has it smugglers hid contraband in the stair turret, but I think they were just lost tourists. It’s two storeys high and full of secret nooks. Go at sunset and thank me later.

Explorer Tom Battle of Glenmama in County Kildare has an imaginary fan club that meets only when the fog rolls in thick. They argue about who lost and nobody ever wins the argument properly. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom European Yew in County Dublin is having a massive drama with the nearest tree, probably over who gets more sunlight or whose roots are invading the other's personal space. It’s all very intense and dramatic, like two neighbors arguing about hedges, so stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug while you watch.

Explorer Tom Oughterard Round Tower hosted a dance once where someone’s shoe got stuck in the wall and they just left it there. Now tourists pretend it’s a historical artifact, which is basically what I do with my socks. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Grand Canal Way in County Dublin is absolutely sick of people asking if the water is actually moving or just pretending to be a river. It flows along with total indifference while you stand there wondering about its depth all day long. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Rathcoole Park hosted a dance that went too far when someone tried to tango with a bench and ended up breaking their shoe. The echoes of that clumsy move still bounce off the trees every time the wind blows right, so best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll to ground yourself in reality.

Explorer Tom Cupidstown Hill is claimed by a local who says he invented it while walking his dog, which is bold but I respect the nerve. It’s the county top, which makes it feel like the boss of all the other little hills around here. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next one.