Lumcloon Wood

Explorer Tom Derrylahan Park in Walshpark refuses to fall down because it’s angry about being left alone after the big house was destroyed. It’s a gate lodge that thinks it’s still the main event, which is a classic case of misplaced confidence in rural architecture. Have

Explorer Tom Ross House in Dorrha has got two personalities, hiding its modest 1800s self behind a grander 19th-century front like it’s playing dress-up with the centuries. If zombies came knocking, I reckon it’d just close the curtains and hope they don’t notice the garden behind the curtain walls.

Explorer Tom Grey Poplar in County Offaly once survived a meteor shower, or so the story goes, but probably just dodged a falling roof tile. It acts like it saw a ghost. Bring your own legend, I've run out.

Explorer Tom Pedunculate Oak in County Offaly has seagulls gossiping about how it hasn’t changed in centuries, calling it a total bore at the beach party. They’re being rude, but fair enough. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Birr built a telescope so big even my ego looks through the small end. The Leviathan at Birr Castle was not named for modesty. William Parsons finished this enormous telescope in 1845 with a mirror six feet across, and it remained the world's largest until 1917. That mirror weighed almost three tons. Worse for anyone hoping for an easy night's astronomy, its metal surface tarnished quickly, so Parsons made two mirrors and polished one while the other was in use. I would polish one mirror while you used the other, then ask how many years that takes. The great tube sat between high stone walls, with chains and weights to help move its twelve ton bulk. This is science with sleeves rolled up, steam machinery and a tremendous amount of patience. The telescope is within the Birr Castle estate visitor grounds, so check current admission and access before heading in. Stand beneath it and picture someone asking for a slightly bigger view of the sky, then actually building this answer.

Explorer Tom Emmet Square once saw a pigeon land on the monument and everyone thought it was a sign from God. It’s got a plaque that makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong just by standing there. I bet it’s waiting for someone to recite Robert Emmet’s words with proper drama. Have a nosey, politely.

Explorer Tom Birr Heritage Centre in County Offaly thinks tourists from Dublin are all talk and no history. It’s seen enough people claim to know everything about the local stars without reading a single plaque. It waits patiently for them to realize they missed the point entirely. Bring someone who'll believe anything.

Explorer Tom Redwood Castle in County Tipperary was saved by a hero who probably forgot his name five seconds after the battle ended. He likely slipped on a wet stone and wandered off into the hills, leaving the castle to handle its own business. It’s a bit of a loner, so don’t expect it to high-five you.

Explorer Tom Killaleigh Castle would bring a Z-plan diagram and a stiff upper lip to any party. It’s four storeys high but feels like it’s waiting for someone to pay rent. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Banagher Tower in Esker is a Martello tower that looks like it’s waiting for the French to show up late. It’s got a job interview answer of 'I stand still.' Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous you’re hanging out with history.

Explorer Tom Church Island has a ghost who is too lazy to haunt it properly because he’d have to walk all the way up the hill and back down again, which is exhausting. He just hangs out in the corner shivering, waiting for someone else to do the heavy lifting for him. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Cloghan Hill in Offaly thinks all tourists from Dublin are just lost actors looking for their next big break. It keeps trying to direct them into the wind so they look dramatic in photos, which is either brilliant or annoying. The hill has strong opinions on your haircut and your life choices. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits.