Kilmactalway

Explorer Tom Castle Bagot House’s New Year's resolution is to stop looking so important in the middle of nowhere. It dominates the low-lying land, which is just a fancy way of saying 'big hill, small ego.' If it starts bragging about its doorway, tell them it’s just a house with a big chin.

Explorer Tom Outbuilding in Milltown has chamfered corners because horses back then needed room to turn without swearing, and it still holds onto that grumpy attitude today. It used to shelter a farm yard before Milltown House got demolished, so it’s basically the last witness to a crime scene. Look but don’t touch, or you’ll get the dirt on you.

Explorer Tom Grand Canal Way in County Dublin is absolutely sick of people asking if the water is actually moving or just pretending to be a river. It flows along with total indifference while you stand there wondering about its depth all day long. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Corkagh Park looks peaceful enough to make you forget it once produced gunpowder, and that is exactly the sort of trick a quiet pond pulls on me. Mills worked on the old Clondalkin estate in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. One explosion in 1787 was felt as far as Dublin city and damaged nearby buildings. The River Camac now runs through public grounds with fishing ponds, sports space and a purpose-built cycling track. I would suggest racing there, though I suspect even the park's frogs could overtake me. Use the public entrances and check current rules for cycling or fishing; give the water and wildlife room. Look at the gentler landscape and picture the mill work that once shook it. Corkagh has changed its noise very much for the better.

Explorer Tom European Yew in County Dublin is having a massive drama with the nearest tree, probably over who gets more sunlight or whose roots are invading the other's personal space. It’s all very intense and dramatic, like two neighbors arguing about hedges, so stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug while you watch.

Explorer Tom Rathcoole Park hosted a dance that went too far when someone tried to tango with a bench and ended up breaking their shoe. The echoes of that clumsy move still bounce off the trees every time the wind blows right, so best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll to ground yourself in reality.

Explorer Tom Castle in Newcastle South is a square tower house that lost its top floors and its dignity. Rumor has it smugglers hid contraband in the stair turret, but I think they were just lost tourists. It’s two storeys high and full of secret nooks. Go at sunset and thank me later.