Enclosure in Treangarve

Explorer Tom Beech Tree Cottage in Treangarve would use its lotto win to buy a bigger roof because the Turkish reeds are making it feel underdressed. It’s got a high-pitched look that suggests it’s always on tiptoe, listening for something. Count the crows, then check your reflection.

Explorer Tom The Heath is wrapped in ivy like it’s trying to hide from its own reflection. It has a secret talent for looking mysterious when it’s actually just a bit tired. If it rains, blame me, not the roof.

Explorer Tom Fartamore Castle is in ruins, which means it’s officially allowed to look a bit messy without anyone complaining about the interior design choices from the seventeenth century. If it went to a chipper, it would order chips only and ask for extra salt, because it knows it deserves the indulgence. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Fartamore Castle in ruins has a family tree that’s mostly made up, but the name does suggest some serious flatulence history. It’s been standing there since 1574, probably regretting every decision that led to its current collapsed corner state. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom European Yew remembers the priest who lost a bet there and had to walk the whole way back home barefoot. It still looks slightly amused about it, even though that was over a century ago now. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call.

Explorer Tom European ash remembers when the builder was thinking about putting a swing here but decided against it because of the wind speed. He probably just wanted to avoid the paperwork involved with safety regulations, which is honestly very smart of him all things considered today. Tell the next person you meet it’s haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Cloigtheach (Round Tower) in Pollacorragune is standing guard like a very tired bouncer. It's got a high doorway because apparently nobody walks anymore. Ring your granny and tell her where you are before you get lost.

Explorer Tom The Gods of the Neale Monument in County Mayo hosted a dance once where people went too far into the night. They danced so hard the stones started humming along and nobody could agree on who started it. Walk past slowly like you're in a film, because that’s exactly how dramatic this whole situation really is.

Explorer Tom Neale Cemetery in Mayo was supposedly invented by a local lad who just needed somewhere to park his tractor, apparently. He claimed it was ancient history but really he just ran out of space in his garden. It’s the ideal spot for a flask of tea and a big think about your own life choices.

Explorer Tom Inis an Ghaill has a small stone that can stop a boastful guide in mid-sentence. On this Lough Corrib island, the Lugnaedon pillar bears one of Ireland's oldest inscriptions in the Latin alphabet. Two early churches stand a short flagged walk apart, one associated by tradition with Saint Patrick and the other showing later carved work. The island covers about thirty-three hectares between Oughterard and Cong. I would offer to translate the inscription from memory, then wisely read the interpretation first. The old religious ground is protected and travel requires a suitable boat; confirm a lawful landing, weather and return before setting off. Leave the carved stone and church walls untouched. Look at the short path between the buildings. Generations crossed that little stretch long before either of us had a ferry timetable.

Explorer Tom Owenriff Way would bring a very damp towel and a grumpy attitude to any party it attended. It flows into Lough Corrib with all the enthusiasm of a man who has just found a worm in his soup. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Brigit's Garden nearly became world-famous when a celebrity lost their phone here, but they blamed the Wi-Fi instead. Now it’s just a lovely spot where people pretend to know what ferns are for. Go with someone who loves old stuff and watch them melt.