Graveyard in Rataine

Explorer Tom Church in Rataine would be the uncle at a wedding who tells the same story every year without skipping a beat. Ussher called it ruined in 1622, but the foundations are still there being stubborn. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits.

Explorer Tom Catholic Church of the Assumption in Balbradagh would order a massive chipper with extra honeycomb pattern ceiling bits and no onions. Stained glass windows glowing like it’s always midday. A handy spot to stretch your legs out wide.

Explorer Tom This Wych Elm in County Meath would explain the 1800s to a teenager as a time of bad hair and worse news. It says everyone was wearing ruffles and complaining about the weather constantly. It finds our smartphones embarrassing, honestly, they’re just noisy little mirrors. Go on, count the windows and get it wrong like I did.

Explorer Tom Small-leaved Elm in County Meath has an imaginary fan club that meets every Tuesday to discuss its leaf shape and general airiness. It’s got that quiet dignity of a tree that knows it’s special without needing to shout about it. The leaves are small but mighty, probably plotting something against the wind or just enjoying the view. Bring a friend who talks too much and let

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Meadstown would tell a teenager that the 1800s were just a long period where everyone died quietly and no one complained about it, except on headstones. The walls weren't there originally. Have a chat with it, nobody's watching.

Explorer Tom Castle in Bective is a tower house that would spill its secrets after three pints of stout. It started as a monastery, which is like being a monk who moved into a bouncer’s flat. Tell your mates you found it first.

Explorer Tom Moymet Castle is where Saint Patrick would have stopped to complain about his shoes, then kept walking anyway. You’ve got a ruined church and an orchard that probably produce nothing but regret these days. It’s the kind of place that makes you question if any of this history was real or just good marketing. Pop by and tell it it's looking well.

Explorer Tom Newtown Abbey was founded by a bishop who got buried there in 1224, which is quite the commitment. Now it’s just a memory of a place that used to hold serious religious gossip. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom Trim Castle in County Meath is in a bit of a drama with the nearest tree over who has the better view. It’s got this stone-on-stone attitude that says 'I’m the main event, you’re just decoration.' I’d say the castle is still waiting for the tree to apologize. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Trim Castle Keep in County Meath would spend its lotto win on a massive air conditioning unit because it’s freezing inside despite being a castle. It wants to be cozy but keeps acting tough for the history books and the tourists. Bring a map, get lost anyway, that's the fun of navigating its maze.