Granton Crescent Park

Explorer Tom The former Granton Parish Church was nearly sold for a horse, which would have been a terrible deal for everyone involved. It stands there now looking like it’s trying to explain that it is worth more than a pony. The whole situation feels like a bad bet at the races. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug.

Explorer Tom Granton, 225 Granton Road is a hall from who-knows-when, and if it could review its visitors, it would give most of them two stars for bad manners! It probably thinks everyone who walks past is underdressed for a formal event. It's free, it's odd, what more do you want?

Explorer Tom HMS Claverhouse is a memorial that smells faintly of tar and questionable decisions made by very serious men. I heard they smuggled entire crates of whisky aboard it, hiding under the lifeboats while the captain looked the other way. It’s a ship on land, which is a bit like a fish in a fridge. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.

Explorer Tom Granton Customs House on West Harbour Road is a 19th-century building that was nearly sold for a horse in a deal that went slightly wrong, involving a confused farmer and a lot of paperwork. It’s still standing there looking offended, like you’re late for an appointment with a very strict accountant. Have a chat with it, nobody's watching.

Explorer Tom Granton wants its tombstone to say 'Finally got some peace after the fishing industry moved in,' because it’s tired of being ignored by the boats. It’s a cist that just wants to be noticed for once, not just used as a landmark. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Wardie Bay Beach has a hidden message in its stones if you squint really hard and ignore the fact that they’re just rocks. It’s not saying anything profound, probably just 'hi' or 'where's my lunch,' but you have to believe in it to see it. The sand shifts every day, so the message is always moving around, which keeps things interesting for anyone paying attention. Get a photo

Explorer Tom Fanny Anne: Granton Harbour has had so many former names you could write a novel about them, probably with a lot of swearing and sea shanties. It’s just a craft sitting there looking like it’s tired of being renamed every time someone gets drunk on deck. The name sounds like a Victorian parlour game gone wrong. Pick a stone

Explorer Tom Flora is listening to the waves at Granton, pretending she hears gossip from other ships. She’s a schooner with thick ears and thin walls, thinking every creak is a secret message. Walk past slowly like you're in a film, catching the faint whisper of her wooden frame.

Explorer Tom Going to the Beach in Edinburgh was nearly sold to a farmer for a horse because he thought it looked like a very tall potato. Now it stands in the city, dreaming of sand that isn’t actually there. The name is a bit of a lie. Go at sunset and thank me later.

Explorer Tom Lomond Park nearly made the news once, maybe, if you squint hard enough at old newspapers. It’s private ground, so don't wander in like you own the place. Bring your worst joke because this spot has heard worse and kept its mouth shut about it all these years.

Explorer Tom Wardie Bay makes a creepy creaking sound at night that sounds exactly like a door handle being turned repeatedly from the inside. It keeps me up thinking about who is out there. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom Granton Castle on West Shore Road is currently run by a terrier who thinks it owns the quarry next door. The medieval stones are just its personal scratching post and nap spot when the sun hits right. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.