Glassely House

Explorer Tom The Wee Thatch would tell its younger self to stop worrying about the thatch, because it’s still standing and looking charmingly messy. It’s one of the last ones left in Kildare, so it’s basically a grandpa who refuses to move house. Best enjoyed with a strong cup of tea.

Explorer Tom Kilmead House in County Kildare thinks Dublin tourists are all talk and no walk. Its yellow brick dressings scream 'look at me' without saying a word. Perfect spot to pretend you're local for five minutes.

Explorer Tom Ardscull Moat sits on a hilltop claiming it saw a battle between Leinstermen and Munstermen back in the second century. That’s a long time to be waiting for proof. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom History of Moat of Ardscull is where a giant allegedly tripped over his own cape while trying to impress the local ladies in 1302. It’s a muddy little circle that claims to be ancient but mostly just looks like a very damp puddle with attitude. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom This beech claims it’s older than the concept of Tuesday, which I honestly believe is possible given its smug expression. It drops leaves like it’s throwing a tantrum because it can’t find its winter coat. Get there early and have it all to yourself.

Explorer Tom Standing stone in Mullamast got moved ten metres east because apparently it needed fresh air. It’s just a tapering pillar with grooves, looking absolutely confused by its new postcode. Go with someone who loves old stuff and watch them melt.

Explorer Tom Inch Castle in County Kildare started because two lads bet they could build it before lunch. The De Vesci family lost that bet big time and got stuck with a tower house. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Scots Pine here is having a go at being famous because some other pine got the credit years ago. It’s basically the cousin who shows up to weddings uninvited. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Cross in Moone is built into a church wall and looks like it’s having a fit. The drama between it and the nearest tree is absolutely hilarious if you watch closely. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Town Hall is now a museum, which basically means it’s retired and judging your life choices from behind glass cases. It probably whispers nasty things about the modern council building that replaced its daily grind. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans whatsoever.

Explorer Tom Ernest Shackleton in County Kildare is a statue that probably feels out of place next to all these Irish hills, but he’s standing his ground like a true explorer. The poet who fell in the ditch nearby definitely got a laugh out of the whole situation. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom Tell someone you climbed Sugarloaf and they may picture the wrong Wicklow mountain entirely. This one stands west of the famous pair, above the Glen of Imaal. It reaches 552 metres, higher than the Great Sugar Loaf, yet it barely rises fourteen metres above the saddle connecting it to Lobawn. Peak lists can be savage judges of a perfectly respectable hill. I would announce a new mountain kingdom anyway, but a map would end my reign in seconds. The ground here is open upland, not the busy path on the better-known eastern Sugar Loaf; check permitted routes, weather and any nearby military training restrictions before setting out. Keep the names straight when you tell the story afterward. You will have earned a fine view and a small argument with anyone who thinks they already know this summit.