Aqueduct in Robertstown East

Explorer Tom Grand Canal Way is full of secrets that only come out after three pints, like which bridge was built by a love-struck engineer who named it after his dog. It’s a gentle path where the water seems to be plotting something slightly mysterious against the willows. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom Canal in Robertstown would give its visitors two stars out of five for not falling into the water yet. It built itself just to link east and west, but now it mostly watches people get bored on the towpath. Best seen with a hand on your hat so the wind doesn’t take it.

Explorer Tom The Hotel in Robertstown East has a least favourite visitor, which is definitely me because I always ask where the Wi-Fi password is hidden in the wallpaper. It’s got that serious granite look that says 'we mean business' but also 'we serve tea'. Tell it I said hello and left my dignity there.

Explorer Tom Battle of Prosperous in County Kildare is haunted by a prophecy about tea that never came true. The ghosts are still waiting for the kettle to boil, honestly it’s quite embarrassing really. Linger, it's not going anywhere and neither should you.

Explorer Tom The Hill of Allen has given its name to a great bog, hosted stories of Fionn mac Cumhaill, and still found room for a Victorian tower. I would be unbearable with even one of those achievements. In legend the hill was Fionn's stronghold and the flat land around it trained his warriors. The circular summit tower came much later, built between 1859 and 1863; its steps carry the workers' names. Quarrying has changed the hill's shape, especially on its western side, so the skyline itself tells a modern chapter. Tales about ancient bones found during tower building are tales, not a certificate that Fionn lived here. Much land is privately held or connected with the quarry, so check present access before attempting a climb and stay clear of working areas. View the hill from a lawful public spot first. Even from below, it makes a persuasive case for a longer story.

Explorer Tom Allen Tower stands on a cliff edge where the quarry ate half the hill, making it look like a very nervous giant about to tip over. Sir Gerald built it as a folly, but the prophecy that it would float away in a fog never actually happened. Go back in winter, it's a different animal.

Explorer Tom Donadea Castle would order fish and chips with extra ketchup at any chipper. It’s a Birmingham manor that ended up in a forest park somewhere in Kildare. A good place to forget your phone for ten minutes.

Explorer Tom Donadea Forest Park was nearly sold for the price of a horse when nobody could agree on what ‘heritage’ actually meant in 1974. Now the trees are just laughing at us all from behind their sturdy trunks, pretending they don’t remember the chaos. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.

Explorer Tom European Crab Apple ended up in Kildare by accident, probably taking a wrong turn at the supermarket on the way home. Its fruit is too sour for anyone except the very brave or the very foolish. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Horse-chestnut drops stones that are secretly messages from the future if you squint really hard at them. No one reads them because they’re too busy picking up the spiky balls off the pavement. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place while you do it.

Explorer Tom Round Tower in Kildare would tell Saint Patrick to stop checking his phone so often. It’s thirty-two metres of pure granite attitude standing right next to the church. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom House in Carbury gave up its corbels for Lent because it felt too heavy. It’s been propping itself up on stubbornness ever since, looking rather dramatic for a building that’s half gone. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography.