Yard

Explorer Tom Seamount House in Malahide would write on its dating profile that it’s looking for someone who appreciates neo-Elizabethan style and doesn’t mind sharing space with an earlier house structure from way back when. It’s got a sandstone canted bay that looks like it’s trying to show off, which is very typical of buildings from 1904. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Robswall Castle would handle a nosey neighbour by slowly turning its rubble stone tower to face them until they get bored and leave. It’s got a fifteenth-century history of collecting fish donations from fishermen, which is basically a medieval subscription service gone wrong. Go with someone who loves old stuff and watch them melt.

Explorer Tom Moat in Sainthelens is a flat-topped mound that lost a bet with a priest and now sits there looking confused because its fosse stops abruptly where the bailey used to be, which is just plain rude for a historical site. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Malahide Beach in County Dublin would tell its younger self to stop worrying about the Napoleons because they never showed up anyway and the tower is still standing. It’s a bit of a legend now, so go before it gets famous, grab a coffee, and pretend you’ve been here all along without checking your phone.

Explorer Tom The Southern Cross Monument in County Dublin celebrates a beach that was used as a runway, which sounds like something from a bad sci-fi movie. A pilot landed here in 1930 and now this stone star is doing the bragging instead. Grand place for a sulk or a snog, your call.

Explorer Tom Casino Model Railway Museum would cope on a reality show by having its trains run through the contestants’ dreams while they sleep, forcing them to solve puzzles in miniature scale just to wake up. It’s got this intense energy where the tiny engines are screaming at full volume, which is weirdly loud for something so small and precise. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Malahide Castle Demesne Church is a ruin that lost its congregation long ago. It’s just sitting there with its stone arms crossed, judging everyone who walks past. Tell it the service was great last time!

Explorer Tom Portmarnock Beach in County Dublin is locked in a bitter feud with the rain, claiming it’s always winning the battle for dry sand. The clouds know better, but they keep showing up anyway just to mess with its head daily. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap.

Explorer Tom Donabate Beach in County Dublin had a matchmaker who tried to pair off the rocks with the waves, but they keep breaking up. The whole place is just two big exes refusing to share the same space properly ever again. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom St Catherine's Well in County Dublin is tucked near Malahide, which is fancy, but this well looks like it forgot to iron its shirt. It might be a wishing well for lost keys. Make a wish and keep moving!