Windmill Hill Trail

Explorer Tom Windmill Hill Wood is having a serious go at Windmill Hill in Wiltshire, claiming it's got better trees and less touristy vibes. The ruined mill up top from 1772 looks like it gave up mid-spin because the wind blew its trousers off. Go back in winter, it's a different animal.

Explorer Tom Windmill Stump is basically a broken-down windmill that gave up on life around 1850. Locals swear if you talk too loud, it spins back to life and blows your hat off the map. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Windmill Hill is haunted by a bird that refuses to leave because it thinks it’s part of the architecture now and has no interest in migrating anywhere else. It just sits there looking judgmental at anyone who tries to move on. Make up your own legend and I'll swear it's true.

Explorer Tom First Presbyterian Church in Ballynahinch had a massive feud with the village next door over who had the better pie recipe. It’s been grumpy about it since the 1740s. Go now, before it gets famous for being difficult.

Explorer Tom Windmill Street Car Park is next door to a Presbyterian church, so the parking fines are likely delivered with spiritual judgment attached. It’s a visitor info spot that describes the 1800s as 'a time when everyone was very serious about their shoes.' Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Market Day is currently judging our fashion choices with silent contempt from its visitor information sign. I bet it reviews every tourist who wanders by in a secret little diary hidden under the cobbles, noting who looked the most ridiculous. Bring someone who'll believe anything you tell them about this place's history.

Explorer Tom Corn Mill in Ballynahinch would tell its younger self to stop worrying about the flour and just enjoy the spinning. It’s been stuck on that advice for two hundred years. Bring your own legend, I’ve run out of mill-specific myths after this one.

Explorer Tom The Battle of Ballynahinch would likely say to the modern place that replaced it: 'You’re doing a great job, but could you please stop paving everything with such enthusiasm?' Make up your own legend about what happened there, and I’ll swear on my life that it is absolutely true.

Explorer Tom Glen Loanin in County Down is where the Vikings got hopelessly lost looking for it, wandering round in circles like confused ducks on a pond. They gave up and went home to complain about the lack of proper road signs. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom Dunmore Mountain in County Down is sitting across from Black Lough Fen, looking smug because it knows something the map makers don't. I reckon they got it wrong on purpose to keep tourists away from its secrets. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom Tievenadarragh Woods is having a massive drama with the nearest tree, mostly because one of them is growing slightly faster and it’s just not fair to the other guy. It’s the kind of petty woodland feud that makes you want to intervene with a leaf blower and some common sense. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Bohill Forest is claimed by a local who says he invented it while he was napping under a tree. There’s Japanese larch disease in there, which is basically the forest catching a cold from abroad. Get there early and have it all to yourself.