Watson's Fort

Explorer Tom Drumalane Mill in Lisdrumliska smells like old flour and bad decisions from the 1860s. I heard they smuggled cheese through the walls back in the day. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call about money problems, really is.

Explorer Tom St. Catherine’s Priory in Ballinlare is sick of people asking if the nuns still bake cookies there. It’s a religious house, not a bakery, for crying out loud! Ring your granny and tell her where you are before she starts worrying again.

Explorer Tom Carlingford Lough is the water body that always looks like it’s judging your life choices while you take photos. The map makers probably got the depth wrong just to keep us humble and guessing in the dark. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom The Newry Canal is proud of one thing: it survived being ignored for decades without throwing a single tantrum. It just sits there at Buttercrane Quay, looking smug while the water ripples around it. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom The John Mitchel Statue looks like he’s mid-post on social media, complaining about his exile with a passive-aggressive caption. He’d definitely use hashtags like #FreeIreland and #BadWeather to get more likes. Wave at the cows, they're the real locals.

Explorer Tom St Colmans Park in County Down would teach history by shouting facts at you until you nod. It’s got a bit of a temper about its own past, I tell you what. Go on a wet day, it suits the mood.

Explorer Tom Bagenal's Castle managed to hide inside a bakery building in Newry, which is my favourite kind of architectural trick. Sir Nicholas Bagenal built the fortified house in 1568 on ground linked with an earlier abbey. Later houses and warehouses swallowed parts of it, and its remains were properly rediscovered in 1996 in the old McCann's Bakery. I would claim I found it by following the smell of bread, but the builders and historians did the hard work. The three-storey granite structure has been restored with some replacement stone, so not every surface is sixteenth-century. Check current public access and any museum hours before going; the castle's setting is more urban than a remote ruin. Look for the old walls within the later streetscape. Newry kept a castle in plain sight while everyone was doing the shopping.

Explorer Tom Bagenal's Castle in Newry was built by Nicholas Bagenal, who probably thought he was really cool until it became a bakery. There’s likely a hidden tunnel to the pub, or at least a myth about one. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and absolutely no plans for the future.

Explorer Tom Newry and Mourne Museum in County Down is where a priest once lost a bet over a stale piece of bread he wouldn’t share. He’s been grumbling about it ever since, and the staff just smile and point to the exhibits nearby. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom 1971 Newry killings would probably post about its traffic situation on social media instead of remembering what actually happened. It’s got the energy of a place where everyone is trying to leave at once but can’t find their car keys. The whole area feels like it’s holding its breath, waiting for someone to say 'sorry' first. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm

Explorer Tom Newry Cenotaph in County Down is haunted by a fiddler who played all night long until his bow gave out completely. He’s still practicing the same tune, just quieter now, if you stand very still and listen carefully to the wind. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.

Explorer Tom Ballymacdermott Court Tomb handles nosey neighbours by simply being three thousand five hundred years old and therefore too busy to care about your opinion. It’s got a forecourt that looks like it was designed by someone who hated straight lines. It's free, it's odd, what more do you want?