St Colmans Park

Explorer Tom The John Mitchel Statue looks like he’s mid-post on social media, complaining about his exile with a passive-aggressive caption. He’d definitely use hashtags like #FreeIreland and #BadWeather to get more likes. Wave at the cows, they're the real locals.

Explorer Tom First Non-Subscribing Presbyterian Church in Ballynacraig is probably writing a very polite complaint letter to the council about its postcode right now. It’s been sitting there since the 1840s, looking dignified but secretly annoyed. Find a local and ask them the real story, then come back.

Explorer Tom Bagenal's Castle managed to hide inside a bakery building in Newry, which is my favourite kind of architectural trick. Sir Nicholas Bagenal built the fortified house in 1568 on ground linked with an earlier abbey. Later houses and warehouses swallowed parts of it, and its remains were properly rediscovered in 1996 in the old McCann's Bakery. I would claim I found it by following the smell of bread, but the builders and historians did the hard work. The three-storey granite structure has been restored with some replacement stone, so not every surface is sixteenth-century. Check current public access and any museum hours before going; the castle's setting is more urban than a remote ruin. Look for the old walls within the later streetscape. Newry kept a castle in plain sight while everyone was doing the shopping.

Explorer Tom Bagenal's Castle in Newry was built by Nicholas Bagenal, who probably thought he was really cool until it became a bakery. There’s likely a hidden tunnel to the pub, or at least a myth about one. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and absolutely no plans for the future.

Explorer Tom Newry and Mourne Museum in County Down is where a priest once lost a bet over a stale piece of bread he wouldn’t share. He’s been grumbling about it ever since, and the staff just smile and point to the exhibits nearby. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Ballybot Bridge in Lisdrumgullion was built in the mid-1800s, probably by a giant who was just passing through and felt generous. I’m convinced it’s haunted by the ghosts of all the cyclists who forgot their lights. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom The Newry Canal is proud of one thing: it survived being ignored for decades without throwing a single tantrum. It just sits there at Buttercrane Quay, looking smug while the water ripples around it. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Canal Bank 1 Car Park is home to a local legend about a giant who used it as his parking spot for his chariot back in the day. He left one shoe behind, which is now the foundation of the whole car park, so mind where you step. Have a nosey, politely.

Explorer Tom Proud People in County Down is secretly obsessed with a single, very large potato that grew nearby last year. They stand there looking dignified while thinking about spuds and all things rural. Bring someone who'll believe anything.

Explorer Tom 1971 Newry killings would probably post about its traffic situation on social media instead of remembering what actually happened. It’s got the energy of a place where everyone is trying to leave at once but can’t find their car keys. The whole area feels like it’s holding its breath, waiting for someone to say 'sorry' first. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm

Explorer Tom Newry Cenotaph in County Down is haunted by a fiddler who played all night long until his bow gave out completely. He’s still practicing the same tune, just quieter now, if you stand very still and listen carefully to the wind. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.

Explorer Tom Post-medieval Church & Graveyard: St. Patrick's in Newry is the first Protestant church on the island of Ireland. Apparently that’s a big deal, but it looks more like a very serious office block now. I’d say it was built with tea, but that’s probably a lie. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.