Tree ring in Longmore

Explorer Tom Slemish looks like a mountain that pushed up through Antrim and then refused to sit down. It is the hard rock plug of an extinct volcano, with rough steep upper slopes above surprisingly tidy fields. Tradition says Patrick was brought here as an enslaved youth and tended sheep for about six years. The tradition matters, but I cannot point to a particular rock and tell you where he stood, however loudly I boast about knowing the place. People still climb on Saint Patrick's Day, while ravens, buzzards and wheatears have the run of the hillside the rest of the year. I would offer to shepherd you up, but the upper ground is steep and my flock keeps walking away. Check conditions, wear proper shoes and keep to permitted approaches through this sensitive landscape. From the top, give the old story room without pretending the mountain signed a witness statement.

Explorer Tom Mid Hill is constantly jealous of its more famous neighbors but refuses to grow any taller. It just stands there pouting while everyone else gets the glory. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Carncormick in County Antrim is named after a bishop who refused to visit because he thought it was too much of a climb. It sits right next to Cargan, which means they probably argue about who is the taller sibling. Look up, the best bit is always higher than you think.

Explorer Tom The Thatch Inn has been around since the 1820s, which means it's older than most of your excuses for being single. Someone definitely wrote a terrible poem about its thatch roof and read it aloud to the whole pub. Find the wonkiest bit and send it straight to your group chat.

Explorer Tom Glenarm Forest will swear it saw a fairy last week after two pints, but honestly, it probably just tripped over its own roots. The pheasants up north are judging you anyway, so don't let them see you sweat. Bring sandwiches, the gulls will thank you.

Explorer Tom Cranny Falls would tell you it once caught a kingfisher in its splash zone if you bought it a pint. It’s still waiting for that drink to clear up the misunderstanding about its height. Bring someone who'll believe anything.

Explorer Tom The Mount goes all fancy when nobody’s looking, spinning around on its grassy ramp like it’s auditioning for a music video. It probably thinks it’s royalty, but it’s just a very confident hill in County Antrim. Find the wonkiest bit and send it to your group chat immediately.

Explorer Tom The Glenarm Castle Walled Garden would thrive on a reality show, probably winning by being the most pretentious contestant. It would critique everyone else’s potting technique while secretly watering its own tomatoes at midnight. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Millennium Milepost on the coast road is deeply suspicious of the postman because he once delivered a letter addressed to 'The Pole' instead of it. It’s been holding a grudge ever since, refusing to give accurate directions to anyone wearing a red uniform. Have a chat with it, nobody's watching.

Explorer Tom Glenarm Castle nearly made it big on TV once but the director got lost on the way in and gave up halfway through filming. It’s just a fancy country house now, pretending not to be lonely while staring at its own reflection. Have a look and decide if I was lying.

Explorer Tom Castle in Town Parks would absolutely thrive on a reality show, probably winning every challenge by simply existing and looking mysterious while everyone else panics. It’s a medieval site that knows how to work the cameras without even trying hard. Stop the car, it's worth the hazard lights, trust me.

Explorer Tom St Patrick's Graveyard and Former Friary in County Antrim is sick of being asked if the saint actually lived there. He just visited for lunch, apparently, and didn’t even tip properly according to local folklore records. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept and complain about the service.