Tintern Abbey Graveyard

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Tintern refuses to fall down because it’s waiting for John Colclough to wake up and finish his duel with William Congreve Alcock. He’s been napping since 1807, but he’s definitely not a light sleeper. Stand

Explorer Tom Church in Tintern would introduce itself as 'the one built from abbey rubble who still thinks it’s better than the original building' without a hint of shame. It’s a lay chapel on a slope, which means it has excellent views but terrible posture if you ask me at all. Stand there long enough and someone will ask if you're lost.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Tintern says a zombie attack would be easy because the walls are tall enough to climb. It just needs to wait for the undead to get tired of banging on the stone. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits.

Explorer Tom Lady Well in Tintern is where a fox took full charge last winter, barking at every passerby until they gave up and left their sandwiches alone. It’s a tiny masonry canopy sitting right by the tidal estuary, looking suspiciously like a very fancy dog house. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll.

Explorer Tom Grange Beach claims it can hear every whispered secret through its walls, which makes for some awkward sunbathing. It's been eavesdropping on the locals' arguments about who left the gate open since the last century. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom Fethard Castle has strict house rules: no hats, no questions, and absolutely no breathing too loudly near the ruins. It was a summer home, so it still thinks it’s July somewhere inside. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Hook Head Adventures features a bird that refuses to leave no matter how many people try to shoo it away politely. It sits right there, judging everyone who comes down to see the cliff edge, acting like it owns the whole coastline personally now. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Hook Tourism (Fethard Office) is where the rabbits go to complain about the tourists who keep stepping on their patches. It’s an eco-adventure company that thinks it’s serious but looks a bit ridiculous in photos. The office probably smells like wet wool and ambition. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans for tomorrow.

Explorer Tom Bawn in Clonmines would tell your interview that its resume is basically just 'survived the weather' and 'held things together'. It’s humble, sturdy, and slightly confused about its own job description. A handy spot to stretch your legs and your imagination.

Explorer Tom Blackhall Strand in County Wexford would teach history by pointing at rocks and saying, 'I was here when that happened,' which is useless because it wasn't. It’s got a natural arch that looks like a giant sneeze. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom Baginbun Head was the subject of a parish argument about whether it should be called Baginbun or Big Bun, which lasted for weeks. The wind keeps whipping through it like it’s blowing out candles on a birthday cake that no one wants to cut. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Duncannon Beach keeps getting picked on by the wind like it’s got something to hide. There are steps down there that seem to have a grudge against my knees. A handy spot to stretch your legs and your imagination.