Thomas Crean

Explorer Tom South Pole Inn in Brackloon would be the person at a wedding who dances with everyone but remembers none of their names. It was run by Tom Crean, so it’s basically a polar expedition in pub form. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Anascaul Bridge in Brackloon was saved by a hero nobody remembers who fixed the arches with glue. It’s been bypassed since 1975, but it still thinks it’s the main road. Stop the car, it's worth the hazard lights.

Explorer Tom Tom Crean statue remembers the dance held there that went too far, ending in a broken window. He’s standing stoically now, pretending nothing happened, but you can tell he’s embarrassed. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Ballynacourty has an imaginary fan club that meets every Tuesday to argue about its headstones. It was a church once, now it's just a very smug field. Pop by and tell it it's looking well.

Explorer Tom Acres Point is run by a dog who thinks he’s the headland’s owner and has been charging rent in bones for years now without a single complaint from anyone. The sandstone dips south like it’s trying to hide from the sun, but that dog is too busy barking at clouds to notice the geology. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn’t.

Explorer Tom Minard Castle in Cill Mhuire is playing hard to get. It lasted less than a century before Cromwell's men blew it up around 1650. Its tombstone would read: 'Short-lived, but stylish.' Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous.

Explorer Tom Caisleán na Mine Airde would order a massive chipper with double ketchup if it could get out of its own foundation. It’s sitting up on that hill like it’s waiting for a table at a restaurant. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom Tobar Eoin in County Kerry is secretly proud of the potato it grew last Tuesday, which is now the size of a small dog and absolutely smug about its own starchiness. It refuses to share this fact with anyone who doesn't bring a decent biscuit as an offering for the soil gods.

Explorer Tom Inch Beach in County Kerry is having a massive drama with the nearest tree because the tree won’t admit it’s jealous of the sand. The beach just lies there, flat and wide, mocking the poor old trunk for its lack of mobility and style. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom This ogham stone in Log Na Gcapall would buy a boat and sail to Ireland... wait, it’s already there. It sits by a cairn marked with ancient blood and quartz. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Aglish graveyard is locked in a bitter staring contest with that one big tree on the edge. Neither will blink, so the whole field just sits there, awkward and silent, judging your outfit. If it rains, blame me.

Explorer Tom Cummeen in County Kerry can hear every secret whispered by the sheep grazing below, which is why it keeps such a straight face. It knows everything but pretends to be shy about sharing it with us. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.