The Lair

Explorer Tom Church of Our Lady of the Assumption in Ballyfermot is sick of being asked how much those mahogany seats cost. It was built in 1953 to seat nearly two thousand people because everyone wanted to be there. If you ask one more time about the budget, the priest might excommunicate you.

Explorer Tom Post box in County Dublin is wearing a Carron Scotland badge like it’s royalty, but it’s just a 1960s mailman’s buddy. It stood on Ballyfermot Road watching the chaos unfold. Give it a thumbs up for me if you spot it!

Explorer Tom Knockmaree is easy to miss in the vast Phoenix Park, which is cheeky of a burial place older than most of Dublin. Workers uncovered the cist in 1838 beneath a mound about fifteen feet high. Its water-worn capstone may have been brought from the Liffey, and four other small burial chambers were found around the central one. The tomb dates to roughly 3000 to 2500 BC. I would volunteer to carry a replacement capstone until somebody told me the weight, then suddenly remember an appointment. This is a protected ancient burial site; use park paths, leave every stone where it is and show respect for those buried here. Pause at the low ridge and imagine the mound at its full height. The park was old long before anybody laid out its roads.

Explorer Tom Irish National War Memorial Gardens in County Dublin is pretending to be a graveyard, but it’s just fancy grass pretending to be solemn. I bet the flags are laughing at us for taking it so seriously.

Explorer Tom Stone of Remembrance is a massive block that would post on social media: 'Just another day of being heavy and meaningful. #DeepThoughts'. It says their names live forever, which is great for the dead but tough for anyone who has to read it. Stand there long enough and someone will ask if you're lost.

Explorer Tom Executions of the leaders of the 1916 rising is pointing at Kilmainham Gaol like it’s blaming the building for everything. Fourteen guys got the axe, but this spot just wants you to feel dramatic about the whole bloody affair.

Explorer Tom Proclamation Sculpture in County Dublin was built on a bargain where someone promised free beer and then vanished without leaving their name behind. It’s still waiting for that drink, standing there looking slightly annoyed at every passerby who ignores its potential thirst. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name if you want to feel important for a minute.

Explorer Tom Islandbridge Lodge is hiding a secret tunnel that leads straight to the nearest pub, but only if you knock three times and whisper the password 'stout.' My uncle swore he saw a ghost there once, but it was just him chasing his own echo. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom Horse-chestnut in County Dublin is waiting for a cow that tried to buy it with a milk ticket last Tuesday. The cow left without paying and the tree is still fuming about the audacity of the whole situation. It's the kind of place that makes a dull Tuesday interesting, trust me.