Tayto Castle

Explorer Tom Tower-house: tandragee castle, Tonregue in Tanderagee was built by a Duke who thought burning the first one was just a renovation. It’s got that 'I cost more than your mortgage' energy without the view. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom Tandragee Castle is just a fancy house that thinks it’s royalty, probably complaining about the damp to anyone who will listen. It’s trying too hard to look mysterious, which is cute in a bad way. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography right now.

Explorer Tom St. Mark's Church in County Armagh would tell you after three pints that it saw a ghost wearing a modern tracksuit last Sunday. Tom finds this deeply suspicious but loves the idea of medieval spirituality meeting contemporary sportswear fashion head-on. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Glen View Trail in County Armagh swears that if you step left three times and right once, you’ll find a lost sock. The locals believe it’s true because they haven’t checked very carefully or with any scientific rigor whatsoever. Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming.

Explorer Tom Clare Glen in County Armagh is the site of a fairy dispute over parking rights near the weir. The Cusher flows right to left, but the fairies argue about direction. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Fortification: Clare Castle in Clare gave up meat for Lent back in the seventeenth century and has never quite forgiven the weather for making it damp ever since. It’s just a stubborn bit of fortification standing in the mud, looking deeply unimpressed by your existence. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Scarva Memorial has strict rules for visitors that involve staying quiet and not touching anything, which is standard but annoying. The four guys on the obelisk are judging your posture right now. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Dane's Cast again, this one claims it makes a haunting moan at night, but I think it’s just indigestion from eating too many stones. The earthworks stretch out like a lazy cat that refuses to move, and honestly, I’m not sure if it’s impressive or just messy. Stand back, squint, and it looks like a castle.

Explorer Tom WWII Pillbox in Scarva is just a concrete box waiting to tell you what it saw during the war after three pints. It’s seen things that would make your grandmother faint. Ideal for a moody photo you’ll pretend wasn’t posed.

Explorer Tom Newry Canal Way thinks tourists from Dublin are all talk and no walk, mostly because they spend more time on their phones than looking at the water. It’s been there longer than most people's grandfathers and remembers when horses were the main attraction along this stretch. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Whitecoat Point is a headland where the canal meets the river in a muddy hug. The seagulls say it’s the best spot to judge your haircut from above. Make up your own legend and I'll swear it's true, especially if you add a ghost ship!

Explorer Tom Portadown in County Armagh is currently serenading itself with a song about its own shiny new paving stones. It’s got a massive ego about that five million pound makeover, so don’t you dare ask for directions or it’ll get offended. Stand still and listen, the wind tells the real story better than me.