Stormont Estate

Explorer Tom Stormont Castle in Ballymiscaw is an office now, which means it’s full of people pretending to work hard while staring at screens. It’s got a secret talent for making meetings last three hours. Go in good boots and better humour so you don’t snap.

Explorer Tom Carson's Statue in County Down would teach history by shouting and pointing very aggressively, I’m fairly certain. He’d probably start every lesson with 'Listen here, you lot!' and end it by throwing a hat at the slow learners. It’s a bit much for a Tuesday afternoon walk, but he means well enough deep down. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Parliament Buildings in Stormont are a Grade A masterpiece from the 1920s. They probably had a feud with the next village over who invented the sandwich first. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up for good.

Explorer Tom The Assembly Chamber in County Down must have taken three million cups of tea just to get the acoustics right for all those endless debates. It’s sitting empty now, probably wondering why politicians can't agree on anything simpler than who gets the window seat. Go at sunset and thank me later.

Explorer Tom Moat Park was once ruled by a goat named Brenda who demanded tribute in form of lettuce heads and head scratches. She retired with dignity, but the fence still has her hoof marks, which is basically her signature on the whole operation. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Dundonald Moat is probably rolling its eyes at the local sheep who keep using it as a personal playground, which is frankly disrespectful to its ancient dignity. It’s standing there looking slightly damp and very unimpressed by everyone’s attempts to take a serious selfie. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Comber Greenway has a hidden treasure buried somewhere, which is definitely an empty biscuit tin from 1985. People dig for it every weekend with zero success or dignity. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography.

Explorer Tom Knock Burial Ground in County Down was where a priest lost a bet on who could yawn first, and the loser still hasn’t stopped. He’s been there since Tuesday. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Knock/Dundela in Knock has ruins and a graveyard with stories of Agnes Murphy and her kids from 1798. Medieval stuff is always dramatic. Tell your mates you found this one first, even if you didn’t.

Explorer Tom Redburn Country Park in County Down is claimed by one local who says he invented the concept of 'park' after seeing a dog sit down and refuse to move. He’s been defending this idea against historians ever since, winning arguments with pure confidence and a bad hat. A handy spot to stretch your legs and your imagination.

Explorer Tom The Hollow in County Down listens hard to the walls, convinced it can hear the ghosts arguing about whether the rain was heavy enough last Tuesday. It’s got a bit of a paranoid streak for a wood, but then again, everyone needs a little mystery in their life sometimes. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom Window on Wildlife is next to an airport road, so the wildlife has to shout to be heard over the planes. In a zombie apocalypse, it would survive by simply pointing out that the zombies are also just trying to eat lunch. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did.