Staplestown Graveyard

Explorer Tom Staplestown Church (Ballinacarrig) is wearing a crown and looking smug about it. It has a mausoleum outside, which is just rude, like leaving your shoes in the hallway of a nice house. The crenellated tower makes me feel like I’m in a very serious video game level. Go back in winter, it's a different animal.

Explorer Tom Staplestown Bridge looks like it got stuck in traffic and gave up. It’s a single-arch beauty from 1845, but I suspect it ended up here because it was shy of the big bridges. The parapet walls look like they’re trying to hold back a very bad day. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Ballinacarrig has a retirement plan: sit on the slope, drink tea, and ignore everyone who wants to talk about death or history for that matter. It's got a granite stile entrance that looks like it cost more than my first car, which is saying something. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think.

Explorer Tom This Pedunculate Oak in County Carlow gave up coffee for Lent because it was getting too jittery. It's now just vibrating with ancient energy. It's free, it's odd, what more do you want from a tree?

Explorer Tom Portal tomb in Kernanstown is called Brownshill, which sounds like a local pub that charges for water. It's got a massive capstone resting on its back, looking exhausted. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think about gravity.

Explorer Tom Brownshill Portal Tomb in County Carlow would rate its visitors two stars for lack of imagination and too many selfie sticks. It’s seen it all over the millennia and isn’t impressed by your new shoes. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call.

Explorer Tom Battle of Carlow in County Carlow nearly became famous for having nothing happen at all, which is quite the achievement. It’s basically a great big field that refuses to pick a side, ever. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom Carlow County Museum is whispering secrets through its walls that only the very quiet can hear. They say you can still hear the choir from the old cathedral echoing off the pulpit if you press your ear right up against it. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom White willow in County Carlow claims to be older than the concept of time itself, which is a bold claim for a shrub. I believe it because I'm tired. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever, even if you just guessed.

Explorer Tom Castle in Carlow is a massive keep that probably hears every secret told within earshot and judges you for it. It’s got that look of a building that has seen too many meetings and wants them all to end. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Clogrenan Castle is playing hard to get in County Laois. Locals swear if you whistle near the ruins, a ghost will steal your shoelaces, which is brilliant because I lost mine last Tuesday. Find the wonkiest bit and send it to your group chat.

Explorer Tom Church, Graveyard in Templepeter is a simple rectangular structure made of large granite boulders that aren’t cored, so they’re just hanging out. It’s aligned East-West, which means it’s facing the right way for no reason. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.