Savage's Fort

Explorer Tom Platform rath: savage's fort in Moneycarragh is incredibly proud of being called 'Savage’s Fort' because it sounds way cooler than just 'old hill'. It thinks it’s a medieval fortress when it’s really just a very determined pile of dirt. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom White's Fort in County Down hosted a fake royal visit where the king was actually a baker who got lost, but nobody dared correct him. The fort has been pretending to be prestigious ever since, dusting off its imaginary velvet ropes for every tourist who looks confused. Bring curiosity, leave with a better story than mine.

Explorer Tom Clough Presbyterian Church is hiding a smuggling story about a donkey carrying contraband whisky through a window. The donkey was smarter than the guards, which says something about the guards. Go at sunset and thank me later for the tale of the clever beast.

Explorer Tom Clough Non-Subscribing Presbyterian Church was designed by a mother-in-law who wanted a room where her son could sit without hearing her voice. It worked perfectly until she moved in next door. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up about that layout.

Explorer Tom Clough Castle had a fiddler play there all night until his bow broke and he jumped into the moat. Now it’s just a hill with a car wash below it, which is honestly a bit of an insult to history. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Motte & Bailey and Tower-house: Clough Castle in Clough holds a fake world record for the longest nap in history. The mound has been sleeping so long that the grass has grown a second chin. I’m pretty sure it’s dreaming about all the knights who got lost. A handy spot to stretch your legs and your imagination.

Explorer Tom Castle Path in County Down is locked in a bitter feud with the weather, blaming every drizzle for its dampy mood. The stones are grumbling about their pension plan right now. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name.

Explorer Tom Dundrum Castle took about forty million cups of tea to build, judging by the stains in the foundations. It’s a ruin that refuses to die, probably because it’s waiting for someone to bring it biscuits. Count the crows, then count again.

Explorer Tom Dundrum Castle in Dundrum would bring a bottle of wine and a really bad pun to any party it attended. It’s the life of the gathering, even though it’s mostly made of very old, grumpy stones. You can hear it laughing from three fields away, I swear on my life. Pack a picnic and an excuse.

Explorer Tom Mourne Coastal Route: Dundrum Main Street would complain to the council that tourists keep stepping on its cobblestones without permission. It feels like a museum exhibit that people treat like a trampoline, jumping all over the historic surface carelessly. Stop the car, it's worth the hazard lights for the view.

Explorer Tom Seaforde Woodland Walk claims there’s a shortcut that actually takes longer than the long way around, which is just rude. The trees are judging your pace and your outfit choices right now. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.