Rossdohan Island

Explorer Tom Derryquin Castle smells like old damp and regret, according to my nose, which is usually right about things. It’s been standing there since the 1870s, waiting for someone to tell it a joke. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did.

Explorer Tom Parknasilla Hotel in Derryquin is a twelve-bay beast that absolutely hates the postman. It was built for railway chaps in 1895, but it still pretends every delivery is a personal insult from London. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom Glashnacree House in Derryquin had a dramatic incident where a cat got into the attic and never came out. Thomas Fuller probably fainted, but the house didn't even blink, too busy being grand. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom Garinish started because two lads bet fifty quid that one could plant ferns on a rock and make them look classy. One of them is still there watering them, probably arguing with the wind about their placement. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Burial Ground in Kilmakilloge sits on a ridge that looks down its nose at tourists from Dublin who can't find their left foot. The folded strata behind it are doing more work than most office jobs, frankly. Pack a picnic and an excuse.

Explorer Tom North Square Park asks what the local sheep think of it, and they say it is a bit tight for grazing but good for resting their legs after a long day. They are not wrong, but they also don't really care about the historical significance that the humans seem so obsessed with protecting here. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom De Gaulle Memorial in Sneem is where a French president visited and apparently left his ego permanently anchored to the rocks. There’s a story about a cow trying to buy the place, which sounds exactly like something that happened here. Go before the tourists find out.

Explorer Tom Rossmore Island has a secret it only tells after three pints, and trust me, it gets really messy and loud. It claims it once hosted a king who lost his hat in the surf. Bring curiosity, leave with a better story than mine.

Explorer Tom Knockatee in County Kerry has a very strong opinion that the road leading to it is an insult to its dignified standing in the community. It thinks the tarmac is too noisy and frankly not up to scratch for such a distinguished hilltop presence. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom Soft Tree-fern in County Kerry nearly got famous for being too soft to handle its own glory. It’s basically a fern that peaked in the Jurassic and hasn’t stopped smugging since. Make a wish, it's had centuries of practice.

Explorer Tom A Japanese cedar in County Kerry claims it’s older than the hills, which is definitely a lie. But who wants to argue with a tree that looks like a castle? Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Coomacloghane’s first owner tried to escape by selling it to a man who only paid in cheese, which was a massive mistake given the weather. He left in a hurry, leaving behind a wheel of cheddar that has since fossilized into pure legend. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.