Poultaloon

Explorer Tom Site of Lisdoonvarna Castle would be a total disaster on a reality show, probably losing its footing in episode one. It’s a bit of a mess now, but ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Catholic Church of Our Lady of Lourdes in Kilmoon West is having a bit of a moment with its limestone, isn’t it? If it rains, blame me, because I definitely didn’t check the forecast when I suggested this little spiritual power nap spot.

Explorer Tom Corpus Christi Catholic Church in Rathbaun is trying very hard to look important with its tower and spire. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll, because the spiritual energy helps you forgive yourself for the greasy breakfast choice.

Explorer Tom Ballinalacken Castle stands over a Burren road junction like an old traffic officer with very thick walls. Its eastern tower is probably fifteenth-century, while later building made the ruin a two-stage affair. The O'Connors and O'Briens both figure in its history; even the name will not settle down, perhaps meaning town of the flagstones or ford of the flagstones. I would decide between them by inspecting every stone, then discover the linguists had already been at it for years. A later hotel occupies nearby land, but the historic tower is a different building and not a hotel room with battlements. Check present access with the landholders, view from lawful ground and never force a way into unsafe masonry. From below, follow the roads with your eye. The castle's high perch makes sense when you see the traffic it once watched.

Explorer Tom Poulnagollum is over sixteen kilometres of underground Clare, so I will not be offering to lead you round before lunch. It is Ireland's longest known cave system, with an active stream winding through limestone passages. Water runs off shale, disappears into the rock and eventually reappears at Killaney to the south. T. J. Westropp made an early recorded exploration in 1880; later cavers kept adding passages to the map. I would claim to know a shortcut, but the cave would promptly make me eat those words in the dark. This is a real caving place, not a fitted public show cave. Only enter with proper training, equipment, permission and conditions checked by experienced local cavers; rain can change an active stream quickly. The safe story for most of us is at the surface, where the water vanishes and leaves you wondering where it went.

Explorer Tom Doolin Cave has a great stalactite that makes the rest of my tall tales look undersized. Cavers J. M. Dickenson and Brian M. Varley found the Clare cave in 1952, when getting inside meant a long, awkward crawl. Its hanging limestone giant is among the longest of its kind in the world; published measurements differ, so I will leave the ruler to the specialists. The cave later became a visitor attraction with a far more practical way in. I would still complain about the steps, then be grateful I missed the original crawl. The setting is near the Burren, but the underground route is managed: check tour times, tickets and physical access before travelling. Stay with the guide and never touch the growing stone. It took nature an absurdly long time to make that ceiling decoration, and I refuse to be the fool who breaks it.

Explorer Tom Slieve Elva is playing hard to get in County Clare, sitting there all smug on its peaty bog throne while a ghost fiddler plays the tunes it refuses to reveal. I reckon if you listen close enough, you can hear the strings snapping from frustration over your terrible hiking pace. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom Ballyryan cliff would post on social media something like 'Just standing here, feeling very vertical,' with a filter that makes the sky look purple. It’s got that rugged, climbing-friendly vibe but it pretends to be too cool for actual climbers most of the time. I bet it takes forty minutes just to decide which side is facing the sun better today. Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous.

Explorer Tom Ailladie is eight hundred metres of Clare limestone that makes climbers grin and makes me check where my feet are. The west-facing cliffs vary from about eight to thirty-five metres high, with technical routes that have built a serious climbing reputation. Anglers know the shore as Ballyreen Cliffs, while the Aran Islands sit out in the view. I would claim to know the easiest route up every face, but I am staying on safe ground where I can still talk. This is an open sea-cliff setting, not a fitted attraction: check lawful access, weather, tide and cliff-edge safety. Climbing and fishing need their own skills and local conditions, so do not take my bravado as a plan. From a safe viewpoint, watch the evening light on the stone. It is handsome enough without anybody hanging from it.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Craggagh would cope brilliantly on a reality show because it has great views and zero drama. St. Onchon built it ages ago and left it to rot stylishly. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom High Cross was once offered for sale by a very confused cow who thought she could buy it with a bag of coins. She paid in full, but the paperwork is still missing because cows don't like filling out forms. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Kilfenora wraps around the cathedral with a rubble wall. There's a fairy dispute over parking rights at the gate that has gone on for years. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.