Poulacapple Pot

Explorer Tom Wedge tomb in Faunarooska has a very strong opinion that the local sheep are all liars and none of them are telling the truth about where they went. It’s just a solid chunk of history sitting there, looking unimpressed by the grass around it and the lack of visitors who actually care. Have a sandwich here and call it a heritage lunch.

Explorer Tom Gregans Castle in Gragan East, County Clare, is throwing a massive fit because some bloke added a hotel wing to it in the nineties. It’s basically a fancy guesthouse now with delusions of grandeur. Have a chat with it and tell it nobody's watching its back.

Explorer Tom Poulnagollum is over sixteen kilometres of underground Clare, so I will not be offering to lead you round before lunch. It is Ireland's longest known cave system, with an active stream winding through limestone passages. Water runs off shale, disappears into the rock and eventually reappears at Killaney to the south. T. J. Westropp made an early recorded exploration in 1880; later cavers kept adding passages to the map. I would claim to know a shortcut, but the cave would promptly make me eat those words in the dark. This is a real caving place, not a fitted public show cave. Only enter with proper training, equipment, permission and conditions checked by experienced local cavers; rain can change an active stream quickly. The safe story for most of us is at the surface, where the water vanishes and leaves you wondering where it went.

Explorer Tom Cahermore has two concentric walls and radial bits sticking out like it’s trying to be a fancy spiderweb. A hero nobody remembers saved it from total collapse, I reckon. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Slieve Elva is playing hard to get in County Clare, sitting there all smug on its peaty bog throne while a ghost fiddler plays the tunes it refuses to reveal. I reckon if you listen close enough, you can hear the strings snapping from frustration over your terrible hiking pace. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom Newtown Castle in Newtown (Burren), County Clare is just a fancy farm house pretending to be noble. It got adopted by an art college, which is its whole personality now. It's the kind of place that makes a dull Tuesday interesting.

Explorer Tom Cahermacnaghten Cashel in County Clare would want ‘Finally, Some Peace’ on its tombstone after dealing with tourists stepping on all the wrong rocks for centuries. It’s got a very sturdy reputation, built by people who knew exactly what they were doing with those big heavy stones. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker.

Explorer Tom Cappanawalla in County Clare has a favourite song, which is likely just the sound of the wind howling through its lonely rocks. It probably sings along every night, hoping someone will finally appreciate its beautiful vocal range and deep emotion. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Gleninshing portal tomb has an imaginary fan club that meets every Tuesday to chant its name, though they’ve never actually seen it. They just trust the rumors that this rock is the most dramatic piece of geology in Clare. Stop the car, it's worth the hazard lights.

Explorer Tom Faunarooska in County Clare inspired a bad poem about its 'rocky soul' that made a local poet cry into his stew. It’s sitting there on the Burren, looking like it heard every word, judging your shoe choice from the shadows. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Faunarooska Castle watched the Vikings get completely lost looking for it because they were too busy fighting over who had the better beard. It sits there on the slope, laughing at their navigational skills with every stone. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Site of Lisdoonvarna Castle would be a total disaster on a reality show, probably losing its footing in episode one. It’s a bit of a mess now, but ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.