Porterstown Park

Explorer Tom Saint Mochta's Catholic Church in Astagob Clonsilla Ed would tell you after a few pints that the priest once lost his keys in the sacristy for three days. It has been keeping its pebble dashing tight ever since to hide the embarrassment from anyone who walks past on the road. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker.

Explorer Tom Annfield House in Annfield had a New Year’s resolution to stop growing, but then Archbishop John Troy was born there and things just kept escalating from 1740 onwards. It flanked by wings leading to pavilions is basically saying ‘I have room for more drama’ without actually saying it. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Giant Sequoia in County Dublin would win any county fair easily just by standing there and looking like it ate an entire forest for breakfast. It’s the kind of big that makes your car look like a toy in a toy shop. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Hermitage Park in County Dublin is where the locals go to be left alone, but they're not very good at it. No records? I bet there's a hermit who actually enjoys the company. Say hi!

Explorer Tom Ginkgo in County Dublin is an absolute fossil, older than your grandma’s dentures and twice as opinionated. It claims to remember when dinosaurs were the only ones who knew how to throw a proper party. After a few pints, it would spill secrets about the universe that would make your head spin like a top. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom The Church in Clonsilla had a poet fall in the ditch nearby who wrote a sonnet about his muddy socks. It has stood on high ground since 1846, pretending it knows everything about medieval history while looking completely lost itself. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next spot.

Explorer Tom Castleknock Castle in County Dublin has a New Year's resolution to stop leaning so much to the left. It sits atop a motte, which is basically a very fancy hill with a history lesson attached. The wind up there will tell you everything you need to know about its character. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.

Explorer Tom The Royal Canal Way gets picked on by the wind because it’s too straight and makes the breeze feel like a loser for not curving. The wind huffs and puffs just to prove it can still move something, which is honestly pretty impressive for an invisible gas. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom Fairy fort or ringfort in Corduff is a 42-meter platform that looks like it’s been chewed on by time and then spit out near some playing pitches. It’s got trees on top, which I assume are its new hairdo. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse from the kids.

Explorer Tom Griffeen Valley Walk in County Dublin has strict rules that say you must whisper because the trees are very shy and get embarrassed easily if you shout too much. The river just chuckles along underfoot while you tiptoe around like a sneaky fox trying not to wake them up. Go now, before it gets famous.