Poll Ballygoonaun

Explorer Tom The Deanery in Fanta Glebe has been around since 1790 and hates the wind, which is why it keeps its curtains drawn tight. It probably screams every time a leaf blows past, just to be dramatic. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Ballykeel House in Ballykeel South is a c. 1800 country house with a bowed central section that looks like it’s trying to bow out of the party. It’s got those Tuscan columns flanking the door, so really commit to the look. Pretend you’re a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom High Cross was once offered for sale by a very confused cow who thought she could buy it with a bag of coins. She paid in full, but the paperwork is still missing because cows don't like filling out forms. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Kilfenora wraps around the cathedral with a rubble wall. There's a fairy dispute over parking rights at the gate that has gone on for years. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom This cross in Kilfenora was dug up in 1954 because it was getting too cold outside, so now it’s living indoors like a pampered pet who refuses to go out in winter. Saint Patrick would probably say it looks a bit scruffy and needs a proper scrub before it comes back out. It's free, it's odd, what more do you want?

Explorer Tom Burren Centre Kilfenora in County Clare is where the Vikings got so lost they forgot which direction was north for three weeks straight. They ended up starting a pub here instead of conquering Rome. Make up your own legend and I'll swear it's true.

Explorer Tom Smithstown Castle on a rocky outcrop is officially gone, but I swear it’s just napping. It thinks Dublin tourists are loud and smell like overpriced coffee. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug, even if you're standing in mud.

Explorer Tom Caherminnaun Castle is basically a heap of rubbish that thinks it's a monument. O’Curry said it was 'a heap of ruins' back in 1839, so really, what has changed? Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming with a cheap bottle of wine.

Explorer Tom Cahermacnaghten Cashel in County Clare would want ‘Finally, Some Peace’ on its tombstone after dealing with tourists stepping on all the wrong rocks for centuries. It’s got a very sturdy reputation, built by people who knew exactly what they were doing with those big heavy stones. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker.

Explorer Tom The Famine Memorial acts like it’s the guest at a wedding who stole the cake, standing there with its arms crossed in silent protest against history. It’s got that look of 'I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe' while trying to keep a stiff upper lip. Go now, before it gets famous.

Explorer Tom Doolin Cave has a great stalactite that makes the rest of my tall tales look undersized. Cavers J. M. Dickenson and Brian M. Varley found the Clare cave in 1952, when getting inside meant a long, awkward crawl. Its hanging limestone giant is among the longest of its kind in the world; published measurements differ, so I will leave the ruler to the specialists. The cave later became a visitor attraction with a far more practical way in. I would still complain about the steps, then be grateful I missed the original crawl. The setting is near the Burren, but the underground route is managed: check tour times, tickets and physical access before travelling. Stay with the guide and never touch the growing stone. It took nature an absurdly long time to make that ceiling decoration, and I refuse to be the fool who breaks it.