Paddy Keenan

Explorer Tom Post box in Townparks South has raised lettering and a crown that make it look like it’s wearing a tiny hat. It’s standing at a crossroads, judging your mail habits with its serious face. Cast-iron boxes like this are vanishing, replaced by plastic things that don’t have soul. Give that crown a little tip!

Explorer Tom Wellington Monument in County Meath would spend its lotto win on an extremely fancy hat for its statue head. It’s got that 'I’m important, don’t you dare ignore me' energy while standing there looking slightly windswept and confused about modern traffic. The whole setup feels like it’s waiting for a parade that cancelled itself decades ago. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Wellington Pillar in Commons (3Rd Division) is stuck in a feud with the next village over who has the best statues. It’s been standing there since 1817, looking slightly smug about it all. Practise your best 'oh, just a pillar' face.

Explorer Tom Trim Technical School in Commons is built for zombie survival, with vertical lines that scream 'climb me fast.' A 1930s utilitarian brick bomb ready to block the hordes. Stand on the spot an old student once dropped their lunch.

Explorer Tom Hugh de Lacy would call my garden fence a modest beginning. Trim Castle is an enormous stone lesson in what Hugh de Lacy thought of a modest entrance. Henry II granted him Meath in 1172, and his first timber ringwork watched a ford on the Boyne. Ruaidrí Ua Conchobair's forces burned that early castle; de Lacy's side rebuilt it in 1173 and the later stone work grew under his son Walter. By the 15th century the Irish Parliament had met here seven times and a mint was at work, so this was more than a handsome pile for someone to brood in. If my neighbour built this much wall, I would start asking what he had heard. Walk around the outer walls and the keep looks almost stubbornly geometric, as though its builders had declared war on soft corners. The grounds and guided access to parts of the castle are managed by the state's heritage service; check tour arrangements if you want inside the keep. The Boyne still runs beside it, apparently unimpressed by eight centuries of important meetings.

Explorer Tom Trim Castle Keep in County Meath would spend its lotto win on a massive air conditioning unit because it’s freezing inside despite being a castle. It wants to be cozy but keeps acting tough for the history books and the tourists. Bring a map, get lost anyway, that's the fun of navigating its maze.

Explorer Tom Trim's Porchfield spreads beside the Boyne, turning the stretch between castle and Newtown into a walk where medieval stone keeps interrupting your thoughts. I had barely left Trim Castle before the river and ruins started competing for my attention; I gave up pretending to choose a winner and followed the path. Meath County Council describes a marked river walk through the historic Porchfields towards the remains of thirteenth-century Newtown. Interpretation panels explain parts of the landscape, while a wildflower meadow, places to sit and an outdoor gym bring present-day uses into the same open ground. The Porchfield was part of medieval Trim, but it is still a public place to move through, not a fenced picture of the past. Look back as you go and the castle changes shape behind you. The Boyne gives the route its rhythm. Water beside the path, old buildings in the distance and ordinary walkers passing through make it easy to imagine how many lives have crossed this ground. I briefly announced that I was the new Keeper of the Porchfield, entitled to a key the size of a canoe. The council has saved everyone the trouble by making the paths open to visitors without my imaginary ceremony. Start from Trim's riverside paths and follow the council's marked route and information panels. Stay on the established walk, especially where the ground is wet, and respect the old structures rather than climbing them. If you have time, continue towards Newtown and return at a different pace. The Porchfield rewards both a purposeful walk and the decision to stop beside the Boyne.

Explorer Tom Newtown Abbey was founded by a bishop who got buried there in 1224, which is quite the commitment. Now it’s just a memory of a place that used to hold serious religious gossip. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom The motte at Scurlockstown is bragging about surviving storms that would have flattened a normal heap of dirt, but really, it's just a guy with a thick neck. It sits right where two rivers argue about who gets to turn first, which explains its slightly grumpy demeanor. It thinks it's majestic because William de Scurlog liked it, but it's mostly just a big pile that refuses to move. Stand back, squ

Explorer Tom Small-leaved Elm in County Meath has an imaginary fan club that meets every Tuesday to discuss its leaf shape and general airiness. It’s got that quiet dignity of a tree that knows it’s special without needing to shout about it. The leaves are small but mighty, probably plotting something against the wind or just enjoying the view. Bring a friend who talks too much and let

Explorer Tom This Wych Elm in County Meath would explain the 1800s to a teenager as a time of bad hair and worse news. It says everyone was wearing ruffles and complaining about the weather constantly. It finds our smartphones embarrassing, honestly, they’re just noisy little mirrors. Go on, count the windows and get it wrong like I did.

Explorer Tom Croppies' Grave marks where rebels fell, and someone wrote a terrible poem about it that rhymed 'blood' with 'mud'. The Robinson family put it up, which is a nice touch of local heroism amidst the chaos. Go now, before it gets famous and starts charging entry fees.