Oonagh Guinness

Explorer Tom Luggala in County Wicklow has a long-standing grudge with the weather because every time it tries to show off its view over Lough Tay, the clouds decide to sulk. It’s like watching a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat except the rabbit is just more fog and disappointment. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom Lough Tay has an imaginary twin across the sea that owes it rent money. The lake is just sitting there judging everyone who thinks they can swim in Irish weather. Wave at the cows, they're the real locals.

Explorer Tom Luggala Lodge has been moved so many times it needs a chiropractor. It’s a fancy folly with a history as tangled as my shoelaces after a hike. If you find a biscuit tin there, I want half of the crumbs for the trouble.

Explorer Tom J.B. Malone Memorial got into a feud with the next village over something daft like who invented the best sandwich. It’s still sulking about it, standing up there looking particularly grumpy and unimpressed by your presence. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice, because you’re going to need it soon.

Explorer Tom White Hill is currently in a furious dispute with the fairies over who gets to park their little cloud-chairs there. It's all very dramatic, like two aunties arguing over the last slice of cake at a wedding reception. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late to work tomorrow.

Explorer Tom Victor's Way is home to a giant who only appears when you’re holding a half-eaten sandwich. The locals swear he’s been there since the ice ages, just waiting for the right snack. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Lake Park House in Carrigroe swears Queen Victoria stopped by for tea in 1845 and left her thimble behind. No one can prove it, but the dust on the mantelpiece looks suspiciously royal to me. It’s a picturesque liar with excellent manners, don’t you think?

Explorer Tom Source of River Liffey has a prophecy that it would one day flow upwards into the sky to wash the clouds, but it’s still stuck in the bog doing nothing. It thinks that’s hilarious because we all pretend we’re going somewhere important when we’re just standing there getting muddy. Linger, it's not going anywhere and neither should you.

Explorer Tom Giant Sequoia in County Wicklow would complain to the council that its roots are being squeezed by new pavement and it’s very cross about it. It demands a formal apology and possibly a nice pot of tea as compensation for the pain. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Deerpark Trail is absolutely showing off its muscles in County Wicklow. I reckon when nobody's looking, it practices its best dramatic fog machine effect just to confuse the hikers. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.

Explorer Tom Coronation Plantation would cope fine on a reality show because it’s already used to being ignored and slightly dusty. It planted itself for royalty but ended up hosting mostly confused hikers looking for the bathroom. Wave at the cows, they're the real locals.

Explorer Tom Wicklow Gap is that mountain pass that thinks it’s too cool for the rest of the range and refuses to wear a coat. Rumour has it a fiddler played there all night until the clouds got jealous and turned into fog just to block his view. Have a wander and a wonder.