Oldshields Wood

Explorer Tom Edwardsrig is a set of nineteenth-century cottages in Dumfries and Galloway that has one specific visitor type it absolutely cannot stand: the person who asks where the bathroom is without looking around first. It thinks they are lazy and entitled, so it hides the nearest tap just to see if they will give up eventually today. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Boreland is where a poet once fell in a ditch and wrote a masterpiece about mud. It stands there with a smug look, knowing it inspired at least one bad song. The earthworks are basically its bodyguard, keeping things looking very official. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up.

Explorer Tom Lochwood has a made-up legend about a giant who used the trees for a climbing frame. It’s parkland that thinks it’s a jungle but with more polite animals. Ring your granny and tell her where you are so she knows you’re safe. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom Lochwood Castle is bragging about surviving a storm that probably just blew over a leaf. It’s a castle that acts like it’s been through war, when it’s really just had a damp winter. This structure stands there with its chin up, claiming glory for weather that any decent umbrella could handle. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography.

Explorer Tom Kinnel Knock is a beacon that was nearly sold to a farmer as a replacement horse, which says everything about its value. It’s got no date, so it’s been lighting up the sky since forever, or maybe just last spring. I’d light it again, but I don’t trust my match-lighting skills in this wind. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll.

Explorer Tom Kinnelhall in Dumfries and Galloway is a medieval enclosure that thinks it’s a shortcut. It’s really just a long way round with extra steps, designed by someone who hated you personally. The gate looks like it hasn't been opened since the Reformation, which is promising. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits.