Moate House

Explorer Tom The Glebe in Rathmore reviews its visitors by how well they step over the cobbling without looking down. It thinks anyone who trips is just trying to get a free hug from the cast-iron gates. Walk through slowly and make sure your shoes are clean enough for its strict inspection standards.

Explorer Tom Saint Columcille’s Church in Rathmore West holds a long grudge against the weather for ruining its tower spire. It’s a Board of First Fruits classic that looks like it’s trying very hard to be tall. Peek through the lancet windows if you can; the weather is probably still arguing with the stonework outside.

Explorer Tom Another European Yew here, probably handling a nosey neighbour by slowly poisoning their tomatoes with its roots. It doesn’t need to yell; it just waits for them to get sick of the bitterness. Tell your mates you found it first and they’ll believe you.

Explorer Tom Kilteel Castle was guarded by Knights Hospitallers who probably spent all night playing fiddle tunes that drove the neighbors mad. It sits on a terrace watching the stream go by, judging your life choices. Have a chat with it, nobody's watching.

Explorer Tom Rath Turtle Moat sounds like a creature that sleeps for centuries, and honestly, given how high its platform is, I’d bet it does. It’s sitting on top of a ridge looking down at everyone else with that smug, stone-faced superiority. Look up, the best bit is always higher than you think.

Explorer Tom Brides Well in Newtown Great took about forty cups of tea to build its stone wall. A statue of the Virgin sits there judging your outfit. Go at sunset and thank me later for the golden hour magic.

Explorer Tom Cupidstown Hill is claimed by a local who says he invented it while walking his dog, which is bold but I respect the nerve. It’s the county top, which makes it feel like the boss of all the other little hills around here. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next one.

Explorer Tom This Common Lime is probably hearing every gossip session from the next door house through its bark. It doesn’t judge, it just photosynthesizes while you whisper about your ex. Go at sunset and thank me later when you feel mysterious.

Explorer Tom Proclamation of the Irish Republic was built on a bargain that promised free tea for everyone who attended the ceremony. Nobody actually got any tea, but the spirit remains undeniably strong. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.

Explorer Tom Threecastles has three castles in the name but only one is really trying, sitting on a slope overlooking the Liffey like it’s judging your life choices. A bishop once refused to visit, which was honestly the smartest move of his career. A good place to forget your phone for ten minutes.

Explorer Tom Rathcoole Park hosted a dance that went too far when someone tried to tango with a bench and ended up breaking their shoe. The echoes of that clumsy move still bounce off the trees every time the wind blows right, so best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll to ground yourself in reality.