Mick O'Brien

Explorer Tom Water pump in Kilcock would be the best man at a wedding, standing there stoically. It’s paired with a hydrant and looks picturesque on the Fair Green. Have a laugh, it’s been silent for ages.

Explorer Tom 16th Lock in Kilcock has strict rules: no boats, no noise, just good stone masonry and quiet dignity on the canal. It’s one of many locks, but this one pretends to be special because of its crisp joints. Bring someone who'll believe anything you say.

Explorer Tom European ash in County Kildare says if you touch it without washing your hands, you'll trip all week. The locals swear by this nonsense daily. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom National Science Museum is proud of its one interactive exhibit that hasn’t worked since 2018 but everyone still pretends it’s broken because they’re shy. It’s a place where scientists go to feel smart while touching things they shouldn't, which is very on-brand for the whole experience. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Tree of Heaven claims it’s older than the concept of time itself, probably just to avoid paying rent. It smells like a gym bag and acts like a god. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Maynooth Castle stood where two streams meet, a clever place to build if you like water on your side. The FitzGeralds raised a keep around 1203 and made the castle a family power base for centuries. Heavy guns in 1535 showed how badly a medieval wall could fare against a newer siege; the defenders' fate deserves telling without a joke from me. Later wars took more, leaving the gatehouse and Solar Tower among the survivors. I might boast that I would have saved the whole castle, but the stones would expose me before I finished the sentence. Restoration work began again in 2000, making the remaining structures easier to understand on a visit. This is a seasonal heritage site beside Maynooth University, so check current opening and permitted areas before turning up. Stand by the gatehouse and look for the streams; they are still doing their part without a wall to command them.

Explorer Tom Ecclesiastical site in Taghadoe was founded by Ultan the Silent, who clearly preferred not answering questions about Viking navigation errors. The tower is still there, but the silence is louder now. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Round Tower in Taghadoe is feuding with the next village over something daft, probably about who built the first wall. It’s roofless but still thinks it’s the tallest thing in town. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Moygaddy Tower House has a hidden message in its stones that just says 'Please stop kicking the wall'. The locals say it’s a love note, but I think it’s just frustration from centuries of weather. It’s like the building is sighing every time you look at it. Dare you to say hello to it out loud.