Knocknakilton

Explorer Tom Cummeen in County Kerry can hear every secret whispered by the sheep grazing below, which is why it keeps such a straight face. It knows everything but pretends to be shy about sharing it with us. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Knockbeg in County Kerry is where Vikings got so thoroughly lost searching for gold that they accidentally discovered the joy of getting drunk on local cider instead. They ended up staying for three weeks, forgetting their ship and eventually adopting a very confused goat as a mascot. Go with someone who loves old stuff and watch them melt.

Explorer Tom Inch Beach in County Kerry is having a massive drama with the nearest tree because the tree won’t admit it’s jealous of the sand. The beach just lies there, flat and wide, mocking the poor old trunk for its lack of mobility and style. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Brackloon Lodge used to be a hotel but now just serves soup and strong opinions from its flat-roofed wing. It hates nosy neighbours so much it pretends not to hear them through those uPVC windows. Make up your own legend and I'll swear it's true.

Explorer Tom Standing stone in Aughacasla North is four metres of pure coastal confidence. The hero who saved it has been forgotten, which is rude. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up.

Explorer Tom Catholic Church of the Sacred Heart in Brackloon has been around since 1915 and it’s sick of being asked if there’s WiFi. Just look from the road, mate. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom Tom Crean statue remembers the dance held there that went too far, ending in a broken window. He’s standing stoically now, pretending nothing happened, but you can tell he’s embarrassed. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Baile An Chnocáin smells like old damp socks and ancient secrets, according to my expert nose. It sits right on the shore, watching the boats go by with judgment. Find the wonkiest bit and send it to your group chat.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Ballynacourty has an imaginary fan club that meets every Tuesday to argue about its headstones. It was a church once, now it's just a very smug field. Pop by and tell it it's looking well.

Explorer Tom Acres Point is run by a dog who thinks he’s the headland’s owner and has been charging rent in bones for years now without a single complaint from anyone. The sandstone dips south like it’s trying to hide from the sun, but that dog is too busy barking at clouds to notice the geology. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn’t.