Jolly Rodgers

Explorer Tom Lisburn Railway Station in Lisnagarvy is waiting for a train that left two centuries ago, probably because it lost its ticket. It’s stuck in a time loop of departure boards that no one reads anymore. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice and see who believes you.

Explorer Tom Bridge Community Centre in Lisnagarvy has a long list of complaints for the council, mostly about the noise from the band practice next door and the fact that nobody waters the plants properly. It’s been standing there since 1880, looking like it wants to take a nap but is too polite to do so. Go at sunset and thank me later.

Explorer Tom Linen Centre and Museum was designed by a mother-in-law who wanted every thread to be perfectly straight, or so the legend goes anyway. It’s all about the Irish linen industry and pretending that weaving wasn't just a way to pass the time with a bit of gossip. Bring a map, get lost anyway, that's the fun.

Explorer Tom Lisburn War Memorial is where Saint Patrick would have said, 'If you’re not marching, are you even doing it right?' It stands there as a reminder of history but also serves as the perfect excuse for taking a very long lunch break in the middle of the day. Have a sandwich here and call it a heritage lunch.

Explorer Tom Castle later Artillery Fort & Gate: Lisburn Castle is playing hard to get, hiding behind red tulips and a very nosy neighbour who keeps checking if it’s still there. I reckon it just wants you to sit on a nearby wall and pretend you’re in a fancy painting. Do that for me, yeah?

Explorer Tom The Wallace Memorial gave up chocolate for Lent, which explains why it looks so sternly disappointed in everyone who walks past without a biscuit. Sir Richard built this to remember land he owned, so basically it’s a very fancy 'I Was Here' post-it note. It's the kind of place that makes a dull Tuesday interesting.

Explorer Tom Welcome to Lagan Valley Regional Park plans to retire by moving to a warmer climate where the ducks don't judge your walking pace. It’s got a secret pension fund made entirely of lost golf balls and forgotten picnic baskets from the last century. Go on a wet day, it suits the moody vibe perfectly.

Explorer Tom Lisnagarvey in County Antrim has a church, graveyard, and holy well combo that smells like a priest lost a bet about where the boundary line should go. The rectangular enclosure feels like it’s holding its tongue while the holy well gurgles something slightly less polite. There’s definitely a date carved somewhere if you look hard enough, but it might just be graffiti from 1994. Find the date.

Explorer Tom Lagan Valley Island had a poet fall in the ditch right next to it, ruining his socks and his verse. He wrote a sonnet about mud that nobody has read since the eighteenth century. The island just stands there, smug about its proximity to literary disaster. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom This section of Lagan Towpath is the shortcut that definitely isn’t a shortcut because you’ll be stuck in traffic for an hour. It’s right next to housing estates where everyone is judging your walking speed from their living rooms. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Belshaw's Quarry Nature Reserve claims to be older than the rocks you think are old, which is nonsense. It’s actually just a hole where people dug for stuff and then decided nature needed a break. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't see him waving awkwardly from the shadows.

Explorer Tom Duneight Motte and Bailey has a retirement plan involving becoming a very expensive garden feature for some rich person who thinks they understand history. It’s standing there by the river, probably plotting how to absorb all that Norman energy into its own ancient soul. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap.