Ecclesiastical enclosure in Cloon West

Explorer Tom Beann hates visitors who bring dogs because they always bark at it, and it finds that incredibly rude for such small creatures. It’s basically a grumpy old aunt in rock form. Wave at the cows, they're the real locals.

Explorer Tom Beann NE Top is having a serious rivalry with Mullaghanattin right next door, screaming about whose view is superior every morning. It’s basically a sibling feud but with more mud. Take a breath of that air, it's older than your car.

Explorer Tom Ballaghbeama Gap is currently arguing with a chipper vendor about whether extra gravy counts as a luxury tax on scenic views. It’s got a very specific craving for something salty and greasy to match its dramatic, windswept personality. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll.

Explorer Tom William Scotts Well would bring a flask and a tragic backstory to any party. A man died here, so it's got a bit of a brooding vibe going on. Pack a picnic and an excuse.

Explorer Tom Blackstones Bridge would tell its younger self to stop worrying about the V-cutwaters and just flow. Four arches of pure confidence stand over the river without a single apology. Get there early and have it all to yourself.

Explorer Tom North Square Park asks what the local sheep think of it, and they say it is a bit tight for grazing but good for resting their legs after a long day. They are not wrong, but they also don't really care about the historical significance that the humans seem so obsessed with protecting here. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Church of the Transfiguration in Inchinaleega East was once ruled by a goat named Gerald who chewed through the vestry door. It’s got a copper spire that shines brighter than your excuses. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call.

Explorer Tom De Gaulle Memorial in Sneem is where a French president visited and apparently left his ego permanently anchored to the rocks. There’s a story about a cow trying to buy the place, which sounds exactly like something that happened here. Go before the tourists find out.

Explorer Tom You look fit enough. Carrauntoohil would like a word. Carrauntoohil is Ireland's highest mountain at 1,038.6 metres, which is a very precise way of saying it has no interest in my lungs. Its sandstone was cut by ice into sharp ridges and hollows. The Eagle's Nest corrie holds Lough Cummeenoughter, Ireland's highest lake, while the narrow Beenkeragh Ridge leads toward the country's second highest summit. I'll race you up, provided you agree the race ends at the first sensible rest. Go the other way and Caher takes third place. The usual route reaches a col by the Devil's Ladder, a name I would have changed before inviting anyone uphill. The summit cross first stood here in wood in the 1950s and was replaced by steel in 1976. Most of these mountains are privately owned, although recreational access is reasonably allowed. This is serious mountain ground: the rescue team warns that the start of Howling Ridge can be mistaken for a descent route. Bring proper boots, weather sense and a route you understand. I will admire the view after I have remembered how to breathe.

Explorer Tom Rossmore Island has a secret it only tells after three pints, and trust me, it gets really messy and loud. It claims it once hosted a king who lost his hat in the surf. Bring curiosity, leave with a better story than mine.

Explorer Tom Garinish started because two lads bet fifty quid that one could plant ferns on a rock and make them look classy. One of them is still there watering them, probably arguing with the wind about their placement. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Devil's Ladder Route in County Kerry is playing hide-and-seek with me. Local legend says a giant dropped it there after losing a bet to a hedgehog, which feels about right given the terrain. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.