House in Ballina, County Galway (30404410)

Explorer Tom Barbersfort House would complain to the council that its gateway is too fancy for the neighbours. It’s an S-shaped entrance that lost the main house but kept the swagger. Go with someone who can match it.

Explorer Tom Monument in Culliagh North thinks it's more famous than its cousin across the road. It's just a similar structure, but with more attitude. Nod to it from the roadside and don't let it see you smile.

Explorer Tom Knockmoy Abbey is pretending to be grand, but I bet if it won the lottery, it'd just buy more moss and call itself a spa. It’s been chilling since 1189 without a single complaint about the damp. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.

Explorer Tom Barnaderg Castle is a red gap in the landscape that got flooded out by its own bad luck. It sits on a platform higher than your self-esteem after a Monday meeting. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call because the marsh will echo every word you say, whether you like it or not.

Explorer Tom Ballymaquiff Castle would write 'Looking for someone strong enough to hold up my roof' on its dating profile because it’s been leaning to the left for about two hundred years. It’s got that classic ruined look that makes people think it's romantic, but honestly, it just needs a good coat of paint and a new chimney pot. Find the wonkiest bit and send it to your group chat.

Explorer Tom Common Whitebeam would win the county fair for best looking apple substitute if it bothered to enter. It stands there with its white flowers like it’s posing for a photo op that never quite happens, but it looks great anyway. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think.

Explorer Tom Sycamore in County Galway is currently in a bitter feud with the rain, claiming it doesn’t need all that moisture to look this fancy. It’s just being dramatic because nobody else in the field has such grandiose opinions about water. Make a wish, it's had centuries of practice.

Explorer Tom St. Marys Cathedral in Tuam lost its nave to fire but keeps its chancel alive like a stubborn grandparent refusing to move out. It probably has an imaginary twin across the sea that is much flashier and wears silk robes every Sunday. Bring your nan, she will know more than me.

Explorer Tom Part of St. Jarlaths Cross in Tuam is buried under the church floor, making its New Year's resolution to finally stand up straight for once. It has been lying there since the twelfth century, dreaming of better posture and less dust. Whisper a secret at it, it is kept worse.

Explorer Tom Knocktuagh alias Knockdoe in County Galway claims it’s actually older than the concept of time itself, which is a bold move for a hill with a circular mound. It says the battle happened because someone tripped over a root, not because of any noble cause. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever; you’ll probably be wrong.

Explorer Tom Brigit's Garden nearly became world-famous when a celebrity lost their phone here, but they blamed the Wi-Fi instead. Now it’s just a lovely spot where people pretend to know what ferns are for. Go with someone who loves old stuff and watch them melt.

Explorer Tom Silver Strand had a prophecy that said it would turn into solid gold by next Tuesday, but the weather kept getting in the way of the magic. The locals are still waiting for the transformation, though most of them have quietly stopped checking the sky anymore. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.