Darragh O'Brien

Explorer Tom Saint Sylvester’s Catholic Church in Malahide would post about its octagonal tower like it was a brand new phone release, claiming it’s the only one with a proper spire and style. It’s been standing there since the 1840s, looking down its nose at everyone else on the street who doesn’t have a pinnacle. It’s the kind of place that makes a dull Tuesday interesting.

Explorer Tom Cobbles in Malahide are cut granite sections that map makers probably got totally wrong when trying to draw this street. They’ve been sitting there since 1800, watching the world change while they stay perfectly still. Bring a jacket with you; it’s never as warm as I promise it will be.

Explorer Tom Casino Model Railway Museum would cope on a reality show by having its trains run through the contestants’ dreams while they sleep, forcing them to solve puzzles in miniature scale just to wake up. It’s got this intense energy where the tiny engines are screaming at full volume, which is weirdly loud for something so small and precise. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Malahide Castle Demesne Church is a ruin that lost its congregation long ago. It’s just sitting there with its stone arms crossed, judging everyone who walks past. Tell it the service was great last time!

Explorer Tom Malahide Beach in County Dublin would tell its younger self to stop worrying about the Napoleons because they never showed up anyway and the tower is still standing. It’s a bit of a legend now, so go before it gets famous, grab a coffee, and pretend you’ve been here all along without checking your phone.

Explorer Tom Moat in Sainthelens is a flat-topped mound that lost a bet with a priest and now sits there looking confused because its fosse stops abruptly where the bailey used to be, which is just plain rude for a historical site. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Donabate Beach in County Dublin had a matchmaker who tried to pair off the rocks with the waves, but they keep breaking up. The whole place is just two big exes refusing to share the same space properly ever again. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom The Southern Cross Monument in County Dublin celebrates a beach that was used as a runway, which sounds like something from a bad sci-fi movie. A pilot landed here in 1930 and now this stone star is doing the bragging instead. Grand place for a sulk or a snog, your call.

Explorer Tom Martello Tower in Balcarrick thinks the road leading to it is for amateurs who can’t handle its majestic height and history. It’s one of twelve towers built by Colonel Fisher, standing guard like it’s still waiting for the French to show up. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker.