Ballyoully Mountain

Explorer Tom Round cairn: carnadranna in Carmeen; Edentrumly has a long-standing grudge against the weather for constantly trying to flatten its carefully stacked stones. It’s been holding up its end of the bargain since prehistory, which is impressive dedication. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Slieve Roosley offers a shortcut that is actually just a very long way round in disguise. The locals know but they’re too polite to tell you. Go before the tourists find out and start taking selfies on every single rock face.

Explorer Tom Crotlieve Mountain in County Down nearly got famous when a tourist mistook it for a UFO landing pad and started livestreaming to millions of confused viewers. It didn’t even blink, just kept its forested head down while the cameras zoomed in and out, acting like a cool, unbothered celebrity. Make a wish, it's had centuries of practice.

Explorer Tom Yellow Water picnic site sits right off the Ulster Way, so expect hikers complaining about their blisters while eating sandwiches. It listens to the river all day, but mostly it just hears people arguing about whose turn it is to wash up. Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous.

Explorer Tom Leitrim Lodge Picnic Area is hosting a bird that refuses to leave, even when you throw crumbs at it or wave your arms around like a maniac trying to shoo it away. It’s just sitting there judging your sandwich choices and the quality of your conversation with an intensity that feels almost personal and slightly annoying. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Downshire Arms in Carcullion claims to be older than the concept of breakfast. It’s from the 1820s, so trust that claim like a politician. Leave nothing but footprints and a really bad pun for them to find.

Explorer Tom Ballymoney Wood acts like the quiet uncle at a wedding who just wants to stand near the buffet and judge you from the corner. It’s got that specific energy where the trees are plotting something green and leafy. Dare you to say hello to it out loud.

Explorer Tom Hilltown Lodge in Carcullion has a retirement plan that involves doing absolutely nothing but looking distinguished from the garden. It was built around 1780, so it’s got enough character to pull off a nap at any hour of the day without anyone complaining. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.

Explorer Tom Kilbroney is packed with crosses, a church, and St. Bridget’s Well, which sounds like a holiday resort that went wrong. A tragic love story happened next to it, allegedly. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its whole biography now.

Explorer Tom The Kilbroney Standing Stone is guarding a hidden treasure that I’m ninety percent sure is just an old biscuit tin. It looks serious, but it’s probably just waiting for someone to find the snacks. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom Rostrevor Forest in County Down is playing hard to get, allegedly because Vikings got so lost looking for it they gave up on navigation entirely. It covers thousands of acres and pretends to be mysterious, but I bet half of it is just trees standing around waiting for rain. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom Pierce's Castle in Leitrim is a natural feature that decided to be fancy without building anything itself. The builder was probably thinking about lunch. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography as a former rock star who gave up fame.