Badge Wood

Explorer Tom St. Michael's Church in County Fermanagh is allegedly where a smuggler hid a whole barrel of whiskey behind the altar, which seems like a terrible idea to me. I still smell the peat smoke from that incident today, or maybe it’s just my imagination. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Carry Bridge in County Fermanagh has a family tree that’s mostly made up of lies and old grudges. I heard its grandfather was actually a very tall duck who learned to stand on two legs. Go before the tourists find out.

Explorer Tom Battle of the Ford of the Biscuits was probably just two families arguing over who owned the best view from the bridge. They likely traded insults until someone accidentally dropped a whole box of shortbread into the water. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Castle Balfour sits next to Holy Trinity Church, which is weirdly convenient. Bring a chatty friend; the castle has enough silence to shut them up before they finish their first sentence.

Explorer Tom Wedge tomb: giant's grave in Mountdrum is Neolithic/Bronze Age. A giant’s grave that probably didn’t fit the bed. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Kinawley Church or Cell Naile is stuck between being a holy well and a medieval church, which is annoying. It’d rate the reality show experience two stars out of five. Dare you to say hello to it out loud.