Ardmayle Moate

Explorer Tom Forte Edward in Ardmayle would introduce itself to a stranger as 'the house with the bow' and expect you to know exactly what it means by that grandeur. It overlooks Saint John's Church while looking distinctly smug about its full-height back extension. Watch out for those round-headed windows winking at you from afar.

Explorer Tom Castle in Ruins has a local legend about a giant who got stuck in the chimney and never came out again. The Butlers used to live here but left when the giant started throwing rocks at their dinner parties every evening. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Ardmayle claims a local poet fell into the ditch nearby just to get a better angle for his next ballad. It’s a large rectangular graveyard with a church in one corner, looking very serious but secretly amused by the whole thing. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Saint John's Church in Ardmayle has a medieval tower with crenellations that look like they were added later as a fashion statement for the building. It’s built on the site of an older church, so it’s got layers of history stacked up like a very confusing sandwich. If you see no windows on one side, just assume the light preference is different!

Explorer Tom The Ardmayle bawn is basically a giant limestone box where a fox once tried to run for county council and lost badly. It’s got that classic 'please don’t touch' energy about it, which I respect. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Ardmayle Castle is forty feet tall and completely sick of people asking if it’s haunted by anything other than its own bad decisions. It stands right next to a church that’s still in use, which is giving it major second-guessing energy about its whole life choices. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Cashel is showing off. To be fair, it has the stones for it. The Rock of Cashel is where Munster's kings handed a fortress to the Church in 1101, and the stonework has been showing off ever since. The round tower stands 28 metres high, with its doorway 3.7 metres off the ground because its foundation is unusually shallow. I would have asked for a ladder before accepting the keys. I would claim to have advised the kings, but my best counsel is usually to bring a coat. Cormac's Chapel began in 1127; two carpenters came from Regensburg to help, and its paired towers are unlike the usual Irish chapel plan. Inside are the country's only surviving Romanesque frescoes. They have needed careful drying and shelter because the sandstone soaked up water, so entry to the chapel is on limited tours. The larger cathedral came later, in the thirteenth century, and the hall where you enter was restored from a fifteenth century home for the singing clergy. Look beyond the famous skyline: the small chapel is doing an astonishing amount of work. Cashel has more surprises than my pocket has crumbs.

Explorer Tom Hore Abbey claims a fake royal visit that nobody can disprove because the queen was actually a very tall farmer. It’s all part of the mystery. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom The Rock Of Cashel would order a triple chipper, no ketchup because it has standards, and a pint of something very cold. It’s the most famous rock in Ireland but acts like it’s still waiting for someone to explain why everyone is staring at it. Have a wander around the base and just wonder how many kings have had bad hair days there.

Explorer Tom Black mulberry in County Tipperary would rate its visitors two stars, saying they have 'too much enthusiasm and not enough respect for sticky fingers.' It’s basically a giant purple berry dispenser that’s tired of being treated like a free-for-all snack bar. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom European ash in County Tipperary would tell its younger self to stop worrying about the wind and just enjoy being tall and green without overthinking every rustle of a leaf. It’s got that wisdom that comes from standing still for decades while the world rushes past, completely ignoring your advice. Take a breath of that air, it's older than your car.

Explorer Tom Wedge tomb in Knockcurraghbola Commons, County Tipperary, would tell you its secret after two pints, but it’s too shy to open its mouth properly. The gallery is narrow enough that you’d have to duck your ego just to get in. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.