Archibald Finney

Explorer Tom Burial Island in County Down is off Burr Point, which is the easternmost point of Ireland, so it’s basically the edge of the world and the beginning of everyone’s bad jokes. It has an imaginary fan club of seagulls who just want to know when the next burial is happening. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom Kirkistown Castle is pretending to be from 1500, but I’m calling its bluff; it looks like a weekend DIY project that never finished. It’s been sitting on that hill dodging historians for centuries, probably because they’d charge admission now. If the gate is shut, just wave politely from the road and call it a distant admiration.

Explorer Tom Kirkistown castle in Kirkistown got lost by the Vikings, who were clearly not great with directions back then. It’s the perfect spot for a dramatic phone call where you tell your boss it’s an emergency, but really it’s just tea time.

Explorer Tom Burr Point claims Ireland's easternmost mainland title, and I can already hear Cannon Rock offshore objecting. The point lies southeast of Ballyhalbert on the Ards Peninsula. Cannon Rock reaches a little farther east, but it is not mainland, so both get their share of the boasting. Artist Ned Jackson Smyth made a giant letter E for nearby Ballyhalbert harbour, in case I lost all sense of direction between the village and the sea. The actual point and the sculpture are separate spots. Check coastal access, tide and weather before going, and keep a safe distance from the water. Stand on the shore and look out towards the small offshore rocks. A compass would settle the argument at once, but where is the fun in that?

Explorer Tom This Windmill Hill started because two lads made a bet in the pub that they could find a hill with no wind, which turned out to be impossible but fun while they looked for it. They lost their money but gained a great story. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Glastry Presbyterian Church bragged about surviving a storm that took out the roof of the pub next door but left its bell intact. It still rings every Sunday like nothing happened, which is either brave or delusional. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom Kearney Coastal Walk is where the oystercatchers hold court and judge your outfit. Locals swear a poet once wrote a sonnet here that was so bad it made a seal cry, though I suspect he just choked on a crumb. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Ballyhemlin’s Non-subscribing Presbyterian Church has been standing since the 1820s, looking sharper than your ex. The wind probably picks on it because it’s too cool for school. Go before the tourists find out and ruin the vibe.

Explorer Tom Horse Island in County Down would post on social media about its stunning views and how lucky everyone is to see it, even though it's just sitting there looking bored out of its mind. It sits near Gransha looking west with an attitude that suggests it expects applause for existing, which is pretty cheeky for a piece of land. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom Two Early Christian Churches: Churches of Dere in Derry has a New Year's resolution to stop leaning so much. Two churches is double the trouble and double the charm. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom Church & Graveyard & Coffin Lids (2): Ardkeen Church in Ardkeen has seagulls who critique its architecture from above, calling it 'derivative' and 'too much beige.' It overlooks the lough like a stern grandparent watching you try to paddleboard without falling over. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Corrog Wood in County Down had a bad poem written about it that rhymed 'trees' with 'deez'. The Woodland Trust has tried to forget it ever happened. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.