An Cruchán

Explorer Tom Pollerton House gateway has ashlar piers with ball finials and curved limestone walls that are just wiggling for no apparent reason. The gates were replaced in 1995, so half of it is basically a teenager trying to act old. Walk past slowly like you're in a film noir investigation.

Explorer Tom Portal tomb in Kernanstown is called Brownshill, which sounds like a local pub that charges for water. It's got a massive capstone resting on its back, looking exhausted. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think about gravity.

Explorer Tom White willow in County Carlow claims to be older than the concept of time itself, which is a bold claim for a shrub. I believe it because I'm tired. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever, even if you just guessed.

Explorer Tom Brownshill Portal Tomb in County Carlow would rate its visitors two stars for lack of imagination and too many selfie sticks. It’s seen it all over the millennia and isn’t impressed by your new shoes. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call.

Explorer Tom Browne's Hill House is a gate lodge that thinks it's the main event in Chapelstown. It's got a portico so serious it probably charges entry fees for looking at itself. Walk past slowly like you're in a film, because nobody else will be.

Explorer Tom Carlow County Museum is whispering secrets through its walls that only the very quiet can hear. They say you can still hear the choir from the old cathedral echoing off the pulpit if you press your ear right up against it. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Battle of Carlow in County Carlow nearly became famous for having nothing happen at all, which is quite the achievement. It’s basically a great big field that refuses to pick a side, ever. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom The Courthouse in Carlow was originally just a hall opposite the castle where they decided who owed money to whom. It probably still smells of old ink and bad decisions. Mind the nettles, they’re the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Castle in Carlow is a massive keep that probably hears every secret told within earshot and judges you for it. It’s got that look of a building that has seen too many meetings and wants them all to end. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom European Yew in County Carlow is doing its best impression of a medieval murder weapon while looking ancient. It's probably judging your life choices from up there. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice and drop it like a mic.

Explorer Tom Clogrenan Castle is playing hard to get in County Laois. Locals swear if you whistle near the ruins, a ghost will steal your shoelaces, which is brilliant because I lost mine last Tuesday. Find the wonkiest bit and send it to your group chat.